Ha.

Just rediscovered this blog. Might be time to write again soon. Many changes are afoot... :-)

A happy place, i am in...

I - 19 What Fiddy sees, originally uploaded by shobster.

At least as far as my photography is concerned.

It seems lately as though my interest in photography has finally risen from its ashes and is now transforming into a bigger, ever more passionate being. I feel that i had taken all the right steps to resurrect that flame, and now it's starting to show its glow.

Step one happened when i decided to buy two lenses to add to my bag of tricks: the 28-105/3.5-4.5 and the 70-300/4-5.6. These two sure did jumpstart my motivation to take photos again, as they surely proved themselves worth their price tags right out of the boxes. I figured that one of the reasons i gave up on my photography was because i felt limited by the lenses that i had, and this move sure solved that problem.

Step two: I decided to join local photography clubs. The first one i attended, i felt so happy to be with people who share a common interest. It helped tremendously that they are nice people, but for the most part i felt right at home in this meetup group because we talked the same talk, were stimulated by the same things... Furthermore, I realized that being a member of this group opened up so many doors because i can learn from the experience of others and go out take photos in location i would probably never get to on my own lazy a**. I also met some people who later became my Flickr friends. Attending this meetup also sparked the idea in me to start a website where i can showcase my photo for better access and showing to fellow photographers.

Step three: I started the website. This process turned out to be invaluable not because of the site per se, but because in the process of trying to pull some photos together from the jumbled mess of themes that is my Flickr account, i realized that my main interest in photography really lies in People. I LOVE photographing people. I can relate to them. I want to showcase them. I am passionate in capturing their images. All the other themes, i was basically just attempting to lay my hands on them to see if i can do it. So, yeah. People.

Step four: I found my focus. I started reading a book called Photographing People by Roderick Macmillan, and aside from getting wonderful tips on executing a photo idea, this book enlightened me as to how i should curb my enthusiasm in trying to capture every aspect of the world in images and should instead focus on one thing that really captures my attention. And given step three, the answer was clear to me. I want to focus on photographing people. And suddenly the challenge of being a better photographer seemed so much easier to take on once i have a set focus in mind. Thank you, Mr. Macmillan!!

Step five: I overcame my fear of failing. I think by far this is the biggest thing that has been holding me back from trying to improve further. I obviously have zipped through the first learning curve, and i was hitting a plateau. Or rather, the next curve is so steep i felt like i was hitting a wall trying to climb it. And instead of trying harder to climb, i instead decided to stop right there because i was afraid of failing if i tried. And one day it finally dawned on me: If i never try, i will never know. Failing after trying is better than turning my back and walking away from the challenge, never knowing if i had it in me to take it on and accomplish it. So, climb i did...

Step six: I realized that i need to curb my expectations on myself. Gone are the days when i curse myself for being inept with my techniques when i look at other's wonderful, wonderful photos on Flickr. I finally saw that i wasn't being fair to myself by asking me to perform at the level these other people perform. They're pros and experts, fercrissake. They've been at this for years and years, if not decades. I need to give myself time to learn and to make mistakes to get to the level that they'r at... And once i realize this i no longer feel incompetent and helpless... I can do it!!!

Step seven: I actively asked people to model for me. Fueled by my newfound epiphanies, i made the move to ask my friends on FaceBook if they'd model for me. And surprisingly enough, some of them did volunteer. And now i'm finally faced with a real challenge: Real people, real model. Good images to come up with. This felt daunting at the beginning, but the more i go along with it, the more ideas come up and the more excited i become to start shooting.

Step eight: I found Strobist.com. From reading the Macmillan book, i finally realized how vital lighting is in executing an image, and how complex - but how feasible - good lighting really is. In the process of edifying myself with various information from the web about this matter, i ran across a very useful website that teaches everything about lighting and about lighting light. By lighting light i meant they show you that achieving good lighting doesn't have to break your bank account... It can be done easily with small, affordable flashes and lighting kit setup. They even laid out the concept of lighting in a linear fashion to make it easy for the thousands of dummies in lighting out there. And they have a Flickr group so people can post their stuff and ask for critiques and comments and all that fun stuff. Wow. Suddenly i just know that i had to jump on board. It doesn't get any better than this.

Step nine: I purchased my lighting kit and my first off-camera flash. They're in the mail now, and i can't wait to start learning to use them.

Step ten: I douse myself in a pool of information on lighting and posing and composition. I want to be better, and i want to do it right.

So... let's see. After all that, where am i left now? Here's where i am: 1. I have a model shoot scheduled out sometime this weekend or the next (Read: Learning opportunity!!). 2. I have, through the wonders of Craig's List, found a willing model to do some nude work with me. 3. I have an appointment with my friends from the photography meetup to scout some location for outdoor shooting. 4. I have a semi-pro photographer (Sam, who shot me as a model once himself) who offered to model for me while i learn my lighting on him. Wow.

So needless to say i'm very excited about all this development... I feel that i finally have a momentum to ride on, and this thing is going nowhere but UP. My first photoshoots might suck, i might end up with no usable images, but hey the important thing is that I'm learning.

Yeah. For the moment, life is good in Shobi's world of photography...

On the US presidential election

Oh goodness. This might be out of place for me to say anything about the election, but i've watched too many speeches and read too many news article and sat through too many discussion to not have a formed opinion about this.

I can't believe that any educated person would vote for the McCain/Palin ticket, nevermind the low blows and the personal attacks. I can't believe that people are willing to overlook issues and policies and get caught up with Personality. Or even worse, public personality. Just because she's a hockey mom? Or that she's a woman? Or that he was PoW? What does that have to do with anything? Look at the issues, people! The person you are going to put in office will affect how the rest of the world is run.

• Those who claim about McCain having experience... Experience in what?! If by 'experience' you mean his years running in the state senate, go check his voting record. 'experience' means agreeing with Bush's policies the majority of times.
• Those who thinks McCain gets it. Seriously, do you?? This is the party that wants to give tax break to corporate people. The party that stands for accumulation of individual wealth. The party who wants to leave you, oh middle class, working people of America, on your own. Tough luck. What does he get?! How could you identify yourself with such values? You are NOT represented by the Repulican party! Wake up!!!
• Those who think that Obama's economical policy is crap... This country - YOUR country, i must add - is chin-deep in shit. And i don't know if you know this, BUT some people out there are actually still stinking rich, swimming in their corporate money while the nation's failing with its health care system, job openings, rotting infrastructure. Well, guess what. The government can't do shit about those issues because they ARE in a slump. States are in deficit, public education funding is being slashed throughout the country... Obama wants to spread the wealth, let corporates pay their taxes to the government and let the government do their job to improve America.
  
• What's wrong with inflating your tires as an energy policy?! It works, actually!! And don't tell me for a second that you don't know that no matter how much oil and gas you have under the soil of Alaska, it will eventually run out. Energy independence shouldn't mean independence from foreign oil, but independence from fossil fuel. THAT would be the ultimate independence, one that would actually last generations...
• The Rep VP wants to go to war. Isn't that why you wanted Bush out of the office in the first place, because you're sick and tired of the war sucking the life out of the federal budget? And now you want to put somebody in office who wants to go to war?? Seriously?

And don't even get me started on Palin's policy on abortion, aerial shooting for predator control, and creationism... I won't even talk about the evidence of her hypocrisy that has surfaced more and more lately. Nevermind that when asked about her so-claimed expertise on Russia, she offered, "They're our next door neighbors. And you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska." Yeah right. I see humans everyday. Doesn't make me a surgeon. Expert, huh? She's a dummy and I'm just worried that people are so blinded by her celebrity-like appearance that they're not really weighing in the real issues here...

Crossing my fingers and tossing my hope to the wind. So bummed that i'll miss the debates...

Time to go to bed... Obama/Biden '08.

On being responsible and being an adult

So... I lost my ATM card on Saturday night. Again. The replacement card that they're sending to me is my fourth one WITHIN THE LAST YEAR. Woop-dee-doo, i lost my ATM card twice. I feel so effin' stupid. Kids lose their stuff all the time, because they're kids. They leave things lying around and forget about them. They set things down and leave them behind. They don't check to see if they have all their belongings on them when they leave premises. Because they're kids. And here i am, 27 years old, losing my ATM card about every half a year or so. The folks over at Citibank must really enjoy sending me a new card, three times already now. I feel so effin' stupid.

I'm now over the emotional outburst that resulted from finding out that i had indeed lost my cards. Yes, plural, because i'm so good at this that this time i actually managed to lose my student ID also. Like losing one card isn't enough of a hassle. But really, i rant but i'm no longer upset. I mean, what can i do about it, right? They're not going to make their way back to me by crying and getting upset. I'm really just ranting. And doing the damage control.

Last night i called Citibank and asked for a new card. Good thing Citibank don't charge for replacement of lost or stolen card, but they're rather slow at sending the new one. It should be here by August 4th. That's one week without an atm card, no way to draw money out of my account (and being me, of course i didn't have cash on me when it happened), and no online access to my bank account. And, one week until i need to go online and change all the payment information on my accounts. Amazon. PayPal. eBay. ComCast. Fan-frickin'-tastic. Today i also went to the Cal card center and got a new student ID. $25. Frick. But at least things move on pretty quickly there. Within half an hour i had had my new card on me and with all its card key access fully restored. Oh, there's also the class pass, of course. On my old student ID was a class pass that we use to board the buses for free. I take the bus every day to school. It will be another 23 days until they issue a new pass for the Fall semester, but if i buy one to replace my lost one i will have to pay $40. Great job, Shobes.

Oh well. I'm over it.

On a side note, yesterday i was pulled over by a cop. How fun. My first time being pulled over happened before i even got my license. The officers were nice however, and they let us go with not even a fix-it ticket. They told us that our plate light was out and the registration sticker is faded, but when we checked afterwards, both our plate lights were on!!! How strange...

Chasm

I'm falling. Lost. Lonely. I'm crying but noone hears me. Or am i just crying in my head? I'm unhappy. Why do i have to be unhappy? Sometimes i think i like to be unhappy, because when i'm unhappy they finally pay attention. Or do they? It's funny how i'm surrounded by people but i feel so starved of any meaningful connection. Who listens to me anymore these days? Who has time? I'm lonely. So pretty fuckin' lonely. Tears. Sometimes people talk to me and i laugh with them. And then they go away and i'd be lonely again. Walking home from school. Feeling sad again. Noone understands that i'm lonely. Sometimes i wonder if it's better to be dead. i'm pretty sure dead people don't feel lonely. Life is just so complicated. i don't even understand myself. Death can't be that bad, can it? i'm still here mostly for other people, i think. My mom. She'd be devastated if i took my own life. I don't want her to be sad; she's already going through enough hard times as it is. I want her to be happy, and so i'm still here. Ben. He'd be torn to pieces. And i only want him to be happy. And so i'm still here. My friends. They'd cry, and they'd shake their heads in disbelief, and they'd be sad because they don't understand. And so i'm still here. I'm still here but noone is here with me. Noone speaks to my soul. They speak to my shell. They make me smile when they smile at me. It's mechanical, the smile. They don't see the broken mind inside. I swear in my head i was screaming for help when i smile back at them. "I'm lonely. Can't you see?". I'm tired. Noone understands. I'm just one person and sometimes i don't get noticed. Sometimes it doesn't matter what i think. Noone pays attention. Not enough. Never enough. I think i'm crazy. Who needs so much attention? Why am i so needy? I'm sure something is wrong with me. People get by without getting much attention. They don't get depressed and start to write about taking their own lives. But i do. I can't stand to be lonely. I feel sad also because this is hurting Ben. Sometimes i wonder if i'm trying to push him away. I think i'm being unreasonably demanding. That's the problem, i know i'm being unreasonably demanding. But i want it still. I want it still and i know i won't get it because i'm just being unreasonable, but i want it still and i'd be disappointed when i don't get it. Attention. And then i'd be upset. I think i am trying to push him away. Why else would i be doing this? I'm hurting us. But i still do it. And it makes me sad that i do it. Because i love Ben. I don't want him to be sad. But i don't get enough...

I'm rambling. I'm positively neurotic, i think... Should i seek help? Maybe i can pay someone to listen to me ramble...

The bigger person

Di tengah galau dan bimbang
Kala gelap malam mencekam
Saat pedih menjerat hati
Gelap mata kala amarah
Jika perih mencekik
Ketika hilang arah tujuan
Saat sepi membelit
Saat duka melanda
Ketika lelah menjegal

Kau ada

Kebeningan jiwa
Ketenangan hati
Seulas senyum yang tulus
Uluran tangan terbuka
Perlindungan dari bahaya
Penghiburan senantiasa
Belas kasih tak berujung
Kesabaran tanpa akhir
Arah dan tujuan
Kekuatan dalam pelukan
Semangat baru
Pengertian tak bersyarat
Kasih sayang tanpa batas
Memberi tanpa pamrih

My reason.
My strength.
My love.
My life.

Bad joke (or Sensitive me)

So yesterday Ben took the Corolla that is going to be mine down to El Cerrito... (that's right; a mid-week visit!!). He let me drive from school to my apartment, a story that's probably worth an entire entry by itself. It SO, HARD driving with Ben in the passenger seat!! He's a total backseat driver and he managed to make me flip out and raise my voice at him within minutes of my sliding onto the driver's seat. Just how efficient is that?

But anyways... So we made it home alright with little to no driving error on my part and i thought all is well. But this morning i listened to my voice mails and lo and behold, Pedro left me a message asking if i noticed that i nearly ran him over on Shattuck last night. WHAT?! I was so bummed! What kind of driver would not notice when he/she came close to running over a pedestrian? I felt my heart sank right at that very moment. I called Pedro back, but no answer. I texted him, asking if he was kidding. I texted Ben, asking if he noticed a pedestrian that i nearly killed last night. Nope. But Pedro never got back to me... I kept on thinking about this all day long, feeling sad and convinced that maybe the DMV examiner was right about failing me on my driving test. Maybe i need an entire year's worth of driving lesson before i can be certified to be loose on the streets.

BUT!!!! I finally got a hold of Pedro, and HE WAS ONLY KIDDING!!!! How mean! Apparently he figured the content of that voice mail was so impossible that there's no way it could be true and therefore i for sure will understand that it was a joke. NOT! Now he owes me an ice cream for making me feel bad for an entire day... BAD Pedro!!!