Chasm

I'm falling. Lost. Lonely. I'm crying but noone hears me. Or am i just crying in my head? I'm unhappy. Why do i have to be unhappy? Sometimes i think i like to be unhappy, because when i'm unhappy they finally pay attention. Or do they? It's funny how i'm surrounded by people but i feel so starved of any meaningful connection. Who listens to me anymore these days? Who has time? I'm lonely. So pretty fuckin' lonely. Tears. Sometimes people talk to me and i laugh with them. And then they go away and i'd be lonely again. Walking home from school. Feeling sad again. Noone understands that i'm lonely. Sometimes i wonder if it's better to be dead. i'm pretty sure dead people don't feel lonely. Life is just so complicated. i don't even understand myself. Death can't be that bad, can it? i'm still here mostly for other people, i think. My mom. She'd be devastated if i took my own life. I don't want her to be sad; she's already going through enough hard times as it is. I want her to be happy, and so i'm still here. Ben. He'd be torn to pieces. And i only want him to be happy. And so i'm still here. My friends. They'd cry, and they'd shake their heads in disbelief, and they'd be sad because they don't understand. And so i'm still here. I'm still here but noone is here with me. Noone speaks to my soul. They speak to my shell. They make me smile when they smile at me. It's mechanical, the smile. They don't see the broken mind inside. I swear in my head i was screaming for help when i smile back at them. "I'm lonely. Can't you see?". I'm tired. Noone understands. I'm just one person and sometimes i don't get noticed. Sometimes it doesn't matter what i think. Noone pays attention. Not enough. Never enough. I think i'm crazy. Who needs so much attention? Why am i so needy? I'm sure something is wrong with me. People get by without getting much attention. They don't get depressed and start to write about taking their own lives. But i do. I can't stand to be lonely. I feel sad also because this is hurting Ben. Sometimes i wonder if i'm trying to push him away. I think i'm being unreasonably demanding. That's the problem, i know i'm being unreasonably demanding. But i want it still. I want it still and i know i won't get it because i'm just being unreasonable, but i want it still and i'd be disappointed when i don't get it. Attention. And then i'd be upset. I think i am trying to push him away. Why else would i be doing this? I'm hurting us. But i still do it. And it makes me sad that i do it. Because i love Ben. I don't want him to be sad. But i don't get enough...

I'm rambling. I'm positively neurotic, i think... Should i seek help? Maybe i can pay someone to listen to me ramble...