One pound a week

Nature vs. Nurture and how i suck at composition, originally uploaded by shobster.

Today I went swimming and weighed myself at the RSF. I weighed 165.3 lbs. That's about 12 lbs. heavier than i was today one year ago. On the bright side, i have lost ~1.5 pounds since last month (which was the last time i went swimming, sadly). I'm still on the fence regarding whether or not having the IUD inserted caused my weight gain the past two months. Is it the IUD, or is it just me lacking self control and will power? Am i a lost cause now trying to get back to my old weight (like so many other women who complained of inexplicable and inevitable weight gain since they got on Mirena)? Am i helpless? Or have i just been slacking off in taking care of myself?

It's so tempting to just blame the IUD; it's the easy explanation. But so many tiny little voices in my head are telling me not to. For one, the scientist in me refuses to point out ONE thing as the cause of another. Causation is virtually impossible to prove, especially in the case of weight gain where so many other factors come into play. For another, I fear that if i accept that explanation then i will be acquiescing that i am indeed helpless in fighting the weight gain and will stop trying altogether. I'm a natural quitter, remember?

But anyways. Today Matt Fujita and i resolved that we will both try and lose some weight... I set my goal at 1 lb. a week, which i know is doable because i was exactly on that trajectory one year ago when i was swimming 3 times a week and put myself on 1200 Calorie diet. Matt is being a little hardcore and will try to lose 1.5 lbs. a week. Today February 28th, 2008 i weighed 165.3 lbs. Hopefully next week i will be ~164 lbs. Wish me luck!!!!

In a completely unrelated event...

Day 105 - The face of Grace, originally uploaded by shobster.

This post has nothing to do with the pic... other than they both portray my means to happiness.

Just kidding. Click on the pic to see my story with Alcohol. I don't like it.

But speaking of happiness... I was just pondering today about Ben (yeah like when am i ever not thinking about him?) and how he sometimes does things for no reasons other than because he knew they would make me happy. Like spending Sunday night at my place, even though it means he has to get up at 6:30 the morning after and drive ~50 min. to get to work. How's that for sacrifice? :-)

Hmmm and yet another completely unrelated event (this one from yesterday):

I talked to Josh on Jabber yesterday. He was... an FWB to whom i grew very very attached, until things turned awry and we just drifted off in different directions. We've been back on talking terms since then, but now every time we catch up i'm always left thinking "What on earth was i thinking back then, clinging on to a guy who's now Obviously not relationship material?" Silly me. I'm glad things ended between him and me now. His lifestyle makes me cringe. And he's a year older than me, too, which theoretically means he should be the more mature between the two of us.

Oh well. I'm only glad i have the most awesomest boyfriend in the world, who's only *reasonably* immature. :-p

AAARrgh

Day 99 - ???, originally uploaded by shobster.

Why am i so pissy today?

First an ex lover got on my nerves because i tried to be just friends with him and he just wouldn't stop veering in "that" direction. I don't wanna go there! It was over between us months ago. Why did he have to keep bringing it up? Give it a fucking break !!! And then he accused me for not having an interest in him. EXCUSE ME? An interest? An interest for what? I'm showing plenty of healthy interest as far as trying to be friends is concerned. I say hi pretty much every day i see him online. I ask him how things are going. I ask him the details. And you know what? I don't think he ever asked me back about the goings-on in my life. Does he know what my research is about? Does he know i'm waiting to hear from the National Science Foundation about my grant application (i know, isn't that exciting)? Did he ever ask about how my family's doing? No, no, no, and no. So who's not showing interest? Or rather, who's not showing interest beyond trying to lure me back into the romantics? Right buddy, that's you.

And then while i was still huffing and puffing over this, poor Matt walked into my office and started giving me shit about what i'm going to bring to Jim's barbecue tomorrow. Perfect timing. I could definitely use some more of people giving me shit over stupid little things. Of course Matt was only joking, but my reply to his friendly accusation was curt enough to send him off a little hurt. I ended up having to send an explanatory email and apologizing for what i did... Sorry Matt, it was just bad timing.

And then Ben... Ugh. No, he's not being a bad boyfriend. Somehow i was really in the mood to be bossy and pissy. I just wanted him to suck up to me, somehow... You know, sweet talk me and such. But of course he's not good at that, which pissed me even more. I hung up on him (accidentally). And then he called back and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN OUR RELATIONSHIP I INDULGED MY ANGER AND REJECTED HIS CALL, just 'cause. Just 'cause i can. These whole five months i've been really good at keeping my calm about me, keeping my eyes on the bigger picture and not getting pissed off by the small unimportant things... Not tonight. I sent him off. And now i feel bad about it. But not bad enough that i'm going to call him back and say i'm sorry... Not yet. I'm still in the mood to get pissed.

(Sorry, Babe... I know i'm not supposed to let it out on you, but i couldn't help it).

Fuck you, ex lover. You ruined my evening. Congratulations.

On Compatibility

A few nights ago I had the pleasure of chatting with an old online friend that i haven't talked to for quite a while. We bantered through many different subjects, until eventually the topic of my love life came up. I told him i'm still seeing the same guy that i was dating three months ago when i last talked to him. I also told him that my boyfriend is a mechanic.

"Wow," he answered.
"What?"
"Is he intellectually compatible with you?"

He knows i've smarty-pants tendencies. He himself is a computer geek.

"Hmm..." I hesitated for a moment. "Honestly no, but really now i don't think it matters."

(Baby, if you're reading this please don't freak out).

For the longest time in my dating history, i have always dated a smarty-pants. I used to - and still do, actually - think that smart is hot. Nerdy guys, guys who read cool books, guys who go to grad school, cute guys with thick-rimmed glasses, guys with a pen tucked in their pocket. Yeah, i equate nerdy to cute and smart to h-o-t. But now what? I'm five months into a relationship with a guy who isn't at all academically inclined. Do i feel wanting for? Never for a moment. Am i happy? You bet.

I am in the happiest relationship of my life, and the object of my affection can't care less about how many more semesters he has until he can transfer out of community college. So yeah, for a person who's spent more than 21 years in school i'm definitely not dating someone with a like mind. What gives?

Well, for one i now realize that you don't have to be equals in order to be compatible. While i know i can't date a guy with the intelligence of a fruit fly, i also know now that i can still enjoy having a conversation with someone who's not as enamored with the sciences as myself. Ben and i talk a lot. We're really proud of the fact that we have a real communication between us. Our banters cover many different things, many of which he's more knowledgeable about than i am... Which brings me to my other point: My being in grad school doesn't make me the smarter half. What do i know about fixing cars and the details of engines? Next to nothing. And yet he's patient enough to explain to me all the little things every time the subject arises. I'm the academically inclined, he's the mechanically inclined.

Another thing that i realize now is that as far as predicting how well the relationship will go, setting up a baseline criteria for level of education is just as effective as saying "i want a guy who makes X amount of money" or "i want a guy who's taller than 6 ft." Can you know for sure that you'd be happier if you dated someone who's just the "ideal" height? Exactly. So Ben's a mechanic who's still going to school to be he doesn't know quite what, but the reality is it doesn't mean anything as far as his ability to love goes. In the past i've dated fellow grad students, a space scientist, an economics genius, an engineer, and so on and so forth. None of them came close to satisfying me mentally, emotionally, and physically as Ben can. BFD.

So, yeah... What's that again? Intellectual compatibility? Meh. It's overrated. At the end of the day, it all comes down to how well your personalities and characters mesh in with one another. It may be a predictor, but it's not all that matters. Ben and I are so different in many aspects, but i don't mind because i do feel that we perfectly complement one another...

Day 96 - I wish the world would go away

Day 96 - I wish the world would go away, originally uploaded by shobster.

Ugh... I stayed up too late last night. At around 10:30 I told Ben i was going to head to bed because i was bored... I ended up digging around my old photo archive and posting up a few that i deemed worth some heavy editing. And then i chatted a little bit with people that i haven't talked to in a while. By the time i was really tucked in under my blanket, it was 1:30 in the morning. WAY too late. To make matters worse, it was cold and i couldn't sleep well...

Needless to say, this morning when my alarm rang at 6:45 i silenced it, rolled over onto the other side and fell back asleep (i'm so used to doing this that i can do it with my eyes closed now). It was probably the best hour of my entire sleep hours last night, because it was significantly warmer now that the sun's up.

So i finally made it up and out of bed, but dragging myself to the shower was a completely different matter. Hmmmm... I guess i can safely say that i'm back on my photo-taking groove now, since my first impulse to the situation was: Quick! Take a photo in the shower!!!!

And there you go, my 365 photo for the day. In addition to getting out of bed late, i took my sweet time packing my sandwich for lunch (i decided that it's time to go back to the healthy, hearty, economical lifestyle). It was almost 11 AM by the time i got to school. Oh well.