Fuzzy matters

Day 118 - Another day gone by, still feeling fuzzy, originally uploaded by shobster.

Some days I would think back and ponder on where i am in life and can't help but to worry about what lies ahead... These are very, very humbling moments.

School. I realize now that school is probably one of the least of my concerns. I mean, at least in school my goals are obvious. Write this proposal. Get money for research. Do research. Get my degree. See? It's all laid out for me. It's only a question of *how* to get there, but "there" is well defined well in advance.

I sometimes tell people half jokingly that the reason i decided to go to grad school was to avoid Real Life a little bit longer. It's somewhat true, sadly. I wasn't ready to face the world. I wasn't ready to set my own goals and go ahead pursue them. Life seemed like a big fuzzy matter to me that i didn't know how to navigate, and school seemed like the only path well enlightened at the time. And as far as life paths are concerned, advanced education isn't that bad so i decided to go that way. It's a rough path, but at least it's clear. But what's after grad school? There's no more putting it off... I have to make a decision about what i want to do with my life.

And these past few days i've been thinking a lot about the not-so-distant future and the choices that i'll have to make. Inevitably, this has something to do with Ben being in my life. In short, i can't help but feel that choosing between Ben or my slated career in academia back home is a mutually exclusive decision. It's either life in the states with the boy who's brought me so much joy this past six months, forgoing all the expectations that so many people back home have put upon me that i would go back and help build the country, or going back to Indonesia to live life as i have once dreamed it to be, but without Ben. There's no having the cake and eat it, too.

If this was only a question of which would make me happier, the answer is probably obvious: I'd stay here with Ben, live a convenient American life, and make a modest living teaching in a small school. Or something. But - go ahead and call me crazy - somehow i've always believed that i'm destined to do something big. Not that i believe in destiny, or that i vision myself to be a future Nobel laureate or be the person to discover the cure to all the world's problems, but i hear a calling in me sometimes to do things that are far bigger than myself and what i think i could do. Saving the environment is it, or one of them. And that calling, while not very strong and at most times can be easily drowned out by many other things, is not easy to ignore. It's like... a calling for martyrdom. To negate what i want for myself, give up what's comfortable and convenient, and go the distance and embark on a journey to the unknown (to me the prospect of saving wildlife in Indonesia is pretty bleak and i know it will be a rough journey... And i find it very belittling sometimes to think of the scope of the work involved in the task, but that's a whole story for another entry in my blog).

Oh, the agony. One option is easily more convenient than the other, but it's not just a question of what's easy... Pedro will probably call me crazy and tell me that i only need to worry about myself, but i know it's not that easy to do.

I'm going to end here on this hanging note... In case you're wondering, no i don't need to make the decision until graduation time is nigh upon me, which is like 2 years from now. Heheh, yeah i overthink things sometimes. Or i plan way too far ahead. But that's just me; i can't help it. For now, i think all i can do is to live life to the fullest - work hard, play hard, love hard - until the time comes to give up one thing for the other...