A (mini) whirlwind of events

I couldn't focus on anything today. I tried to wrap my head around labwork, but all i managed to do is cast one gel and i never even loaded it to this very moment. I was barely listening through seminar. So many exciting things are on the horizon and i can barely wait!!!

First off, today i got an email from the university saying that my funds have been disbursed. That's "summer stipend" to them, but it's "DSLR Fund" to me!!! Within two days of the notice, the money will be in my bank account, and i can finally, FINALLY get my long-awaited-for Rebel XSi!!!!!!! So i ended up doing another round of window shopping on Amazon for accessories and lenses to strategize my purchase... Sadly though the XSi is back-ordered on Amazon (and on most of other camera store) so i may have to get the camera from NewEgg. The problem is NewEgg charges sales tax and shipping on top of the camera price, but at least their price is $50 cheaper than Amazon's and everywhere else, surprisingly. I'm gonna get the 50mm f/1.8 from Amazon still, and the wireless remote and the 16GB SDHC card... The cold feet has been almost completely replaced by sheer excitement now. I feel so bad, but not enough to stop me from going ahead and making this purchase.

Second, Crystal is going to visit from Vancouver on the 16th!!!! I can hardly believe this is finally happening. We've talked about the prospect of me visiting Van or vice versa, but nothing ever transpired. She and i go waaay back before Flickr (back to my badder-than-your-average-good-girl days), and to have her finally visiting is almost too good to be true!! She mentioned a surprise activity for the two of us... My imagination is running wild. Oh, the possibilities (but this is my PG-13 blog, so i'm gonna stop there hehe).

Third, in relation to Crystal visiting, there might be a Flickr get-together! And i will have had my DSLR then!! Oh so much fun!!!!

Fourth, the Death Valley trip. I looked at the website last night, and fueled also by all the stories from all the other lab members who had gone on this trip, i can barely contain my excitement. I only wished i had had my DSLR to bring with me, but hey the S3's done a more-than-satisfactory job capturing a lot of great moments in my life so i'm not completely disheartened by it. Plus, a good time is a good time, regardless of the camera i use to capture it.

I think that's mostly it... My weight's being extraordinarily stubborn since the last 5lbs. that i dropped the first month, and it's not budging anymore. That's a little bit discouraging, but i know exercising's making me feel good about myself so i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing. I was blazing fast at the pool today (did 21 laps in less than 30), and i'm feeling good.

That's all to report today... A lot going on in my head, nothing getting done in real life. Ha. :-)

I'm a very happy girl!!!

Ben just left after spending the weekend here... I'm still high from having him around. I don't know how to put this without sounding cheesy, but really when he's near everything's alright - even when he made me cry so hard. I've never felt so understood, never felt so unshakably loved. It's like nothing i say or do, nothing about my existence can scare him off. He's so lighthearted that when i go emotionally apeshit it doesn't do anything to him. He's so forgiving that even my darker side never left a mental scar on him. And he's so loving that he keeps me well grounded... Even after my emotional roller coaster rides (which, being me, happen way too often for the sake of a relationship) I always, always come back around sane, in love, and happy. And the sex just keeps getting more and more mind blowing as we get to understand each other's body better.

Today we jokingly started pairing his last name onto my name... Next year he's going to visit Indonesia... I'm not sure my dad would be too impressed with my choice of non-believer boyfriend so i can't really expect it to go all that well with the parents, but i do hope he finds the place habitable. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if this doesn't work out and he moves on with his life without me in it... Now that's a scary thought, i tell ya.

Camera envy

Wow, i went 8 days without adding another entry!! Goes to show just how dead my creativity has been. I'm still waiting for it to come back around, but no light at the end of the tunnel so far...

So yeah. Today i learned that the XSi has been released a few days ago. Needless to say i went green with envy towards all the people who helped made it the #11 best selling DSLR camera on amazon.com. Theoretically when i get my next paycheck and once the IB fellowship comes through, i can afford getting one for myself... But something inside me is telling me i should wait. This is not an impulsive thing since i've planned this and done my homework doing research since January, but still i can't justify robbing myself $900 - especially with my field trip waiting around the corner. And by the time i'm done buying all the lenses and flash i want for it, i'll be around $2,000 poorer. I feel that i should prioritize funding my field work over buying a DSLR, but then when will i ever have one?

Aarrgh. I guess we'll see how good my exercise of self control is once i have all my money back...

The starving student

Just how tragic is it that i have $12,000 in research money, but nearly zero to live on? I have no idea how i am going to make ends meet this time. All the extra money that i have is floating around. I have almost $700 that will not get reimbursed until after the evolution meetings in June. After my landlady cashes my rent check this week i will have less than two digits in my checking account, and i have less than three in my savings. I'm counting on my tax returns to pick up the slack, but i'm not getting anything in the mail yet. I got an email from the department saying that i'm going to get an extra $1,000, but that money's nowhere to be seen on the horizon either. I have just enough food for the next week or two, but beyond that i have no idea how i'm going to skate through. I'm worried sick, but i just try to not think about it too much. This is very troubling... I'm worried. I'm afraid.

I hate being a grad student... :-(

My suicidal thoughts and Ben's softer side

Not that Ben's the typical chest-beating, pheromone-oozing, alpha-male kind of guy, but he's rarely serious about anything that for me to catch a glimpse of his more sensitive, emotional side is so precious it is worth writing about on my blog.

Today i saw him cry. And what's more touching, he cried over me. I just finished going through another one of my crying fit (i got locked out of the apartment and had to spent 20 minutes banging on the door trying to get him to open it for me almost to no avail), and i casually commented on how all my life's problems would go away if my life would just come to an end. How blissful would that be? No more worrying about not getting enough attention, being locked out of the house, illnesses, school, the future. Really, i don't think death is that bad. Even if it is, i wouldn't be around to notice it. The conversation developed into me confessing that i have half the mind to take away my life because in my opinion it is a very respectable way to die: To exit the world when one so chooses and not because an external force did you in. It's like the difference between quitting and getting fired. Now, i'm not saying that i'm just going to commit suicide any day now, but when i'm 60 or 70 and i've lived a full life, i can't guarantee that i will just lie in my deathbed and wait until my last breath arrives. I will most likely take the initiative and bow my last goodbye, and take matters into my own hand. Euthanasia? That's one possibility. Or maybe i'll just overdose myself on sleeping pills. That sounds like a good way to go. Ben thinks suicidal people are selfish and inconsiderate, but if i prepared my loved ones and keep them well informed of my plans so that they know what to expect, then wouldn't it be selfish of them to not let me do what i wish just to keep them happy?

And this was when he started hiding his face under my pillow... "I don't wanna talk about it. We should wait until we get old," was all he said. Half teasingly i questioned the prospect of him being there by my side when we're old enough to discuss our demise plans, and he didn't answer. I knew he was crying because his breathing choked a little, and after two or three minutes of it he finally pulled his face away and wiped his eyes. There were wet spots on my pillow where his eyes were.

I'm so sorry, babe... I wasn't just being insensitive and oblivious. Although the things i said were by no means definite, i meant them as i said them. I wasn't trying to hurt you or scare you; i was just sharing my thoughts. And i really do hope you will be there by my side when we're old enough to talk about this, many many more years to come...

On a side note... Obviously i'm not thinking about breaking up anymore. I didn't know this (although Ben did, just how amazing is that?), but apparently i was just freaking out and getting stressed out after not seeing him for so long. He came over, and all my bad thoughts just disappeared and the gloom lifted. Asked if he was worried when i told him that i thought of breaking up, his answer was "just a little bit... but i knew that once i'm there with you, you will be fine again." He understood me, even when i didn't understand myself. And there's a feeling that can never be replaced: knowing that you're understood, and accepted, almost unconditionally. I don't know what i was thinking...

Bad thoughts

I don't know why but this past few days my mind's been toying with the possibility of... breaking up.

Yes, i have been extra needy lately. I almost constantly feel neglected and that i'm not getting enough attention. This past two weeks have seen me go through some tough and stressful times, and my long distance boyfriend was never there for me to comfort me. He can't, because he's long distance, and i don't blame him for that, but for the first time the distance actually felt like a gap and that something is missing. He is missing from my life. He's far away, and i fel t alone many many times last week. Granted we talk on Skype every night, but see my previous entry. He gets too distracted, and again i feel neglected. This past two weeks, i'm just not feeling this relationship. And every time i think about it, about us, it makes me want to cry. I'm not happy anymore.

What would life be like without this relationship? Would i be happier because then the source of my unhappiness will disappear? Because then i wouldn't have to worry about not getting enough attention... What was i thinking going into a long distance long term relationship? Why am i so needy lately? Maybe i just miss him so much that i can't stomach it, and then my mind started making up all these excuses to break free?

And then Ben... He loves me, that much i know. It must saddens him to know that i'm not happy being in this relationship. And i'm not saying that i don't love him, because i do. I love him still, i'm in love with him still. But the strain is killing me, the distance and all its consequences. I love him, but i'm not getting enough of him. I need more, more, more and more attention and even though he tried to convince me that he loves me, i'm just not feeling it.

I'm sorry, babe... I woke up this morning after my crying fit last night and i felt bad about having said what i said because i know it must have made you sad. I know we have our plans, and hopes, and dreams, and me saying i'm tempted to throw in the towel out of the blue probably felt like a betrayal against the future that we've been picturing together... But i can't change how i feel. I feel lonely, i'm not happy. I'm hoping that this is all just temporary and i will soon come back around to be the happy, loving, self-contained person that i used to be, but the light's not visible yet at the end of the tunnel...

I love you, Babe. Please hang around if you can...

I already said from the very beginning that my life is outrageously

Postcard-worthy, originally uploaded by shobster.

so i hope it is no longer a surprise that my musings more often than not center around: (1) romance a.k.a. Ben, (2) friendships, (3) my battle against my weight, and (4) work. Today it's about Ben again...

Ben didn't spend the weekend with me, for a change. We spent so much time together during the road trip that we agreed that we both could use some alone time away from one another (it's kinda funny since we're technically already semi-LTR anyways, seeing as how every week we spend 5 days apart. But anyways). So stayed he did in Napa, and i down here in good ol' El Cerrito. It was going to be perfect, because absence only makes the heart grow fonder, right? Well... maybe if you're normal, yeah it would make the heart grow fonder. But in my case (keep in mind i have the emotional intensity 10x that of the normal human's range), absence only leads to exasperation. Maybe the problem is just me being too sensitive (but i argue that it's justifiable), but it definitely is also because he's too insensitive.

So Ben has the habit of trying to multitask even though he's not too good at it. I applaud him for trying, really, but sometimes you just have to drop one thing so you can do the other right. He more often than not will be screwing around on his computer doing other stuff while talking to me on Skype... which would have been completely fine by me - hey i'm all for efficiency - except that he actually is NOT good at dividing his attention like that. What actually transpires is that he will stop listening to me without even realizing it and i will have to tell him things twice. And really repeating yourself every other sentence can only be fun a certain number of times, and after that it just gets really frustrating. Feeling ignored is not the best thing in the world, especially by your loved ones.

During our weekday Skype chat i'm usually pretty good at keeping my frustration in check... I've come to terms with the fact that we live pretty much separate lives during the week, and so his two-timing my Skype time kinda goes along that same spirit. But when he did that last Saturday night it really bugged the hell out of me. He was extraordinarily spacey, distracted, and non-talkative. I told him all sorts of things, and Sunday morning he asked me again as though we never talked about them. This probably wouldn't bother a normal human being, but see above. Come on, Ben. You get to have the rest of the weekend not having to think about me. Is it too much for me to ask 30 minutes of your attention during our Skype session? It's the only time that i get to interact with you.

So that frustration x 10 was enough to make for a bad weekend. What's even worse, and i don't know why i thought this, somehow i thought of breaking up... It suddenly felt so difficult being in a relationship (hey i could be carefree without it). Maybe i don't want to try that hard to make this work. If he doesn't want to pay attention maybe it's a sign that this thing is going downhill, that it's almost time that things come to an end... And this thought launched me to even more crying fits. I was a ball of gloom and sadness.

Long story short (kinda too late for that at this point, but trust me it could have been worse), i sent him a protest email and he finally paid me full attention... Why do i always have to go through a hissy fit just to get my point across? He promised he'll try and change. But now i'm still stuck in this stupid gloomy mood. :-(

A guilty pleasure

is something that you love but are too ashamed to admit it. I guess that makes me one. I can understand, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less, doesn't make it any easier to bear. I will always be looking forward to the day i'm not denied anymore...

Post roadtrip

Illuminate, originally uploaded by shobster.

I'm happy, and not just because we had a great time while we were at it. To me the trip was a life-changing moment, even though i didn't realize it until after.

On our way to Bakersfield Ben brought up the subject of moving out to Indonesia again, and he managed to maintain a serious conversation for a good part of the drive. I was so impressed. But that's not the point, heheh. I was so happy because for the longest time this subject has not resurfaced, and i was starting to give up hope about us ever being together in the distant future. He seemed to enjoy so much his american life and all its conveniences that i really don't see him giving up all that, ever. It was starting to look like a lost cause.

But talk we did, and so happened one of my fondest memories of the trip. Us, planning a future. We discussed possible jobs that might be available for him out there. We discussed him visiting next year to get a feel of the country. We discussed us.

I would have been happy enough with just that, but it didn't end there. He sent me an email right after he got home:

"i love you so much; i could totally see myself going the distance with you..."
"i can't wait to see your homeland!!!"

And apparently he really meant it. Last night we talked again about possible game plans. How long do i have in the states? How long does he have in school? Should he change major so that it would be easier for him to find a job in Indonesia? Should we move back to the States after a number of years? We were planning our future together!!!!!

I was so happy i wanted to cry... I know it's a long shot until then, and there will be plenty of obstacles along the way, and yes i know that people change and shit happens, but for now things are looking really good. And my perspective on this relationship has changed completely. It's not a lost cause anymore. It's worth going through not just for the fun of it while it lasts, but for the promise that it holds for both of us. Ben used to be a distraction, now he's a motivation. I wanna do my best and work for our future together. I want to make it happen.

The road trip was a maker and not a breaker. I'm so glad. I love you, sweetie pie!!!!!!