so i hope it is no longer a surprise that my musings more often than not center around: (1) romance a.k.a. Ben, (2) friendships, (3) my battle against my weight, and (4) work. Today it's about Ben again...
Ben didn't spend the weekend with me, for a change. We spent so much time together during the road trip that we agreed that we both could use some alone time away from one another (it's kinda funny since we're technically already semi-LTR anyways, seeing as how every week we spend 5 days apart. But anyways). So stayed he did in Napa, and i down here in good ol' El Cerrito. It was going to be perfect, because absence only makes the heart grow fonder, right? Well... maybe if you're normal, yeah it would make the heart grow fonder. But in my case (keep in mind i have the emotional intensity 10x that of the normal human's range), absence only leads to exasperation. Maybe the problem is just me being too sensitive (but i argue that it's justifiable), but it definitely is also because he's too insensitive.
So Ben has the habit of trying to multitask even though he's not too good at it. I applaud him for trying, really, but sometimes you just have to drop one thing so you can do the other right. He more often than not will be screwing around on his computer doing other stuff while talking to me on Skype... which would have been completely fine by me - hey i'm all for efficiency - except that he actually is NOT good at dividing his attention like that. What actually transpires is that he will stop listening to me without even realizing it and i will have to tell him things twice. And really repeating yourself every other sentence can only be fun a certain number of times, and after that it just gets really frustrating. Feeling ignored is not the best thing in the world, especially by your loved ones.
During our weekday Skype chat i'm usually pretty good at keeping my frustration in check... I've come to terms with the fact that we live pretty much separate lives during the week, and so his two-timing my Skype time kinda goes along that same spirit. But when he did that last Saturday night it really bugged the hell out of me. He was extraordinarily spacey, distracted, and non-talkative. I told him all sorts of things, and Sunday morning he asked me again as though we never talked about them. This probably wouldn't bother a normal human being, but see above. Come on, Ben. You get to have the rest of the weekend not having to think about me. Is it too much for me to ask 30 minutes of your attention during our Skype session? It's the only time that i get to interact with you.
So that frustration x 10 was enough to make for a bad weekend. What's even worse, and i don't know why i thought this, somehow i thought of breaking up... It suddenly felt so difficult being in a relationship (hey i could be carefree without it). Maybe i don't want to try that hard to make this work. If he doesn't want to pay attention maybe it's a sign that this thing is going downhill, that it's almost time that things come to an end... And this thought launched me to even more crying fits. I was a ball of gloom and sadness.
Long story short (kinda too late for that at this point, but trust me it could have been worse), i sent him a protest email and he finally paid me full attention... Why do i always have to go through a hissy fit just to get my point across? He promised he'll try and change. But now i'm still stuck in this stupid gloomy mood. :-(
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