My suicidal thoughts and Ben's softer side

Not that Ben's the typical chest-beating, pheromone-oozing, alpha-male kind of guy, but he's rarely serious about anything that for me to catch a glimpse of his more sensitive, emotional side is so precious it is worth writing about on my blog.

Today i saw him cry. And what's more touching, he cried over me. I just finished going through another one of my crying fit (i got locked out of the apartment and had to spent 20 minutes banging on the door trying to get him to open it for me almost to no avail), and i casually commented on how all my life's problems would go away if my life would just come to an end. How blissful would that be? No more worrying about not getting enough attention, being locked out of the house, illnesses, school, the future. Really, i don't think death is that bad. Even if it is, i wouldn't be around to notice it. The conversation developed into me confessing that i have half the mind to take away my life because in my opinion it is a very respectable way to die: To exit the world when one so chooses and not because an external force did you in. It's like the difference between quitting and getting fired. Now, i'm not saying that i'm just going to commit suicide any day now, but when i'm 60 or 70 and i've lived a full life, i can't guarantee that i will just lie in my deathbed and wait until my last breath arrives. I will most likely take the initiative and bow my last goodbye, and take matters into my own hand. Euthanasia? That's one possibility. Or maybe i'll just overdose myself on sleeping pills. That sounds like a good way to go. Ben thinks suicidal people are selfish and inconsiderate, but if i prepared my loved ones and keep them well informed of my plans so that they know what to expect, then wouldn't it be selfish of them to not let me do what i wish just to keep them happy?

And this was when he started hiding his face under my pillow... "I don't wanna talk about it. We should wait until we get old," was all he said. Half teasingly i questioned the prospect of him being there by my side when we're old enough to discuss our demise plans, and he didn't answer. I knew he was crying because his breathing choked a little, and after two or three minutes of it he finally pulled his face away and wiped his eyes. There were wet spots on my pillow where his eyes were.

I'm so sorry, babe... I wasn't just being insensitive and oblivious. Although the things i said were by no means definite, i meant them as i said them. I wasn't trying to hurt you or scare you; i was just sharing my thoughts. And i really do hope you will be there by my side when we're old enough to talk about this, many many more years to come...

On a side note... Obviously i'm not thinking about breaking up anymore. I didn't know this (although Ben did, just how amazing is that?), but apparently i was just freaking out and getting stressed out after not seeing him for so long. He came over, and all my bad thoughts just disappeared and the gloom lifted. Asked if he was worried when i told him that i thought of breaking up, his answer was "just a little bit... but i knew that once i'm there with you, you will be fine again." He understood me, even when i didn't understand myself. And there's a feeling that can never be replaced: knowing that you're understood, and accepted, almost unconditionally. I don't know what i was thinking...