A pat on the back would have sufficed...

I was only 13 seconds away from breaking 30 minutes' time at the pool today. I'm 4 minutes faster now than when i started going back to swimming, only one week ago (If you're confused, i'm talking about the time it takes me to finish doing 20 laps). I wasn't getting better gradually; i was cutting my time by minutes. My body's remembered. I'd call that progressing by leaps and bounds... And i was proud of myself.

I wish i could stop at that: Just me being proud of myself. It should be all that matter, right? Myself? I mean, isn't that the main reason why i'm doing this? To make me feel good about myself again? So in an ideal world, i should just be happy when i start feeling better. But being me of course, i couldn't stop at that. I had to tell other people. They have to understand that i'm making a good progress. They have to acknowledge that. I wanted a pat on the back... But apparently i went to the wrong person to get it from.

Ben called me slow. I had just finished explaining how i'm trying to break 30 minutes, and he called me slow. So much for a pat on the back. I KNOW I'M SLOW. I'm not saying i'm becoming really good after only 4 days at the pool. I'm not trying to break the olympic records. I'm slow, and i know it. But truth of the matter is, even though i'm slow i'm working very hard to get better... I set myself a goal and i'm actually doing something to accomplish it. I went from not swimming at all to going three times already in a week, back to back, even on days when i didn't feel like going. I made time for swimming, even though it means i have to stay at school until 9:30 or 10 PM to make up for the time i spent at the pool. I try and watch what i eat. I put in a lot of effort. I keep track of my progress. I'M TRYING MY BEST TO BE BETTER. All that has got to be worth something, right? I deserve a pat on the back!!!!! But no, i'm just slow.

I exploded. I raised my voice. I was on the verge of being hysterical. I was so disappointed. How could he? Did he not realize how hard i'm trying? Is all my effort only laughing matter to him? I'm dead serious about this effort (fuck, i wouldn't be trying so hard if i wasn't), and to him it was something he could make fun of. Ouch. I guess in all honesty i know that he didn't mean it like that, but still. If you poked someone accidentally in the eye and they ended up losing an eyeball, it still would hurt even though you didn't mean it. I know he didn't mean it like that, but it still hurts me that he said that... And all i wanted was some encouragement. Silly me.

And now comes the time when i blame myself for the things that come to pass... I wish i wasn't so weak. I wish i was stronger so that i won't need other's acknowledgment to keep me happy. I wish i was self-supporting, self contained. I wish i had learned to be content with just me being proud of myself. To hell with what others think, right? I wish it was that easy. As for Ben... I don't hate him even though in that heated moment i said i did. It's just that him being the person closest to me, i tend to expect more from him and consequently i get hurt more easily when those expectations are not met...

I hate myself. And to think i was so proud only a few hours ago... *shakes head*