Bad thoughts

I don't know why but this past few days my mind's been toying with the possibility of... breaking up.

Yes, i have been extra needy lately. I almost constantly feel neglected and that i'm not getting enough attention. This past two weeks have seen me go through some tough and stressful times, and my long distance boyfriend was never there for me to comfort me. He can't, because he's long distance, and i don't blame him for that, but for the first time the distance actually felt like a gap and that something is missing. He is missing from my life. He's far away, and i fel t alone many many times last week. Granted we talk on Skype every night, but see my previous entry. He gets too distracted, and again i feel neglected. This past two weeks, i'm just not feeling this relationship. And every time i think about it, about us, it makes me want to cry. I'm not happy anymore.

What would life be like without this relationship? Would i be happier because then the source of my unhappiness will disappear? Because then i wouldn't have to worry about not getting enough attention... What was i thinking going into a long distance long term relationship? Why am i so needy lately? Maybe i just miss him so much that i can't stomach it, and then my mind started making up all these excuses to break free?

And then Ben... He loves me, that much i know. It must saddens him to know that i'm not happy being in this relationship. And i'm not saying that i don't love him, because i do. I love him still, i'm in love with him still. But the strain is killing me, the distance and all its consequences. I love him, but i'm not getting enough of him. I need more, more, more and more attention and even though he tried to convince me that he loves me, i'm just not feeling it.

I'm sorry, babe... I woke up this morning after my crying fit last night and i felt bad about having said what i said because i know it must have made you sad. I know we have our plans, and hopes, and dreams, and me saying i'm tempted to throw in the towel out of the blue probably felt like a betrayal against the future that we've been picturing together... But i can't change how i feel. I feel lonely, i'm not happy. I'm hoping that this is all just temporary and i will soon come back around to be the happy, loving, self-contained person that i used to be, but the light's not visible yet at the end of the tunnel...

I love you, Babe. Please hang around if you can...