On the US presidential election

Oh goodness. This might be out of place for me to say anything about the election, but i've watched too many speeches and read too many news article and sat through too many discussion to not have a formed opinion about this.

I can't believe that any educated person would vote for the McCain/Palin ticket, nevermind the low blows and the personal attacks. I can't believe that people are willing to overlook issues and policies and get caught up with Personality. Or even worse, public personality. Just because she's a hockey mom? Or that she's a woman? Or that he was PoW? What does that have to do with anything? Look at the issues, people! The person you are going to put in office will affect how the rest of the world is run.

• Those who claim about McCain having experience... Experience in what?! If by 'experience' you mean his years running in the state senate, go check his voting record. 'experience' means agreeing with Bush's policies the majority of times.
• Those who thinks McCain gets it. Seriously, do you?? This is the party that wants to give tax break to corporate people. The party that stands for accumulation of individual wealth. The party who wants to leave you, oh middle class, working people of America, on your own. Tough luck. What does he get?! How could you identify yourself with such values? You are NOT represented by the Repulican party! Wake up!!!
• Those who think that Obama's economical policy is crap... This country - YOUR country, i must add - is chin-deep in shit. And i don't know if you know this, BUT some people out there are actually still stinking rich, swimming in their corporate money while the nation's failing with its health care system, job openings, rotting infrastructure. Well, guess what. The government can't do shit about those issues because they ARE in a slump. States are in deficit, public education funding is being slashed throughout the country... Obama wants to spread the wealth, let corporates pay their taxes to the government and let the government do their job to improve America.
  
• What's wrong with inflating your tires as an energy policy?! It works, actually!! And don't tell me for a second that you don't know that no matter how much oil and gas you have under the soil of Alaska, it will eventually run out. Energy independence shouldn't mean independence from foreign oil, but independence from fossil fuel. THAT would be the ultimate independence, one that would actually last generations...
• The Rep VP wants to go to war. Isn't that why you wanted Bush out of the office in the first place, because you're sick and tired of the war sucking the life out of the federal budget? And now you want to put somebody in office who wants to go to war?? Seriously?

And don't even get me started on Palin's policy on abortion, aerial shooting for predator control, and creationism... I won't even talk about the evidence of her hypocrisy that has surfaced more and more lately. Nevermind that when asked about her so-claimed expertise on Russia, she offered, "They're our next door neighbors. And you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska." Yeah right. I see humans everyday. Doesn't make me a surgeon. Expert, huh? She's a dummy and I'm just worried that people are so blinded by her celebrity-like appearance that they're not really weighing in the real issues here...

Crossing my fingers and tossing my hope to the wind. So bummed that i'll miss the debates...

Time to go to bed... Obama/Biden '08.

On being responsible and being an adult

So... I lost my ATM card on Saturday night. Again. The replacement card that they're sending to me is my fourth one WITHIN THE LAST YEAR. Woop-dee-doo, i lost my ATM card twice. I feel so effin' stupid. Kids lose their stuff all the time, because they're kids. They leave things lying around and forget about them. They set things down and leave them behind. They don't check to see if they have all their belongings on them when they leave premises. Because they're kids. And here i am, 27 years old, losing my ATM card about every half a year or so. The folks over at Citibank must really enjoy sending me a new card, three times already now. I feel so effin' stupid.

I'm now over the emotional outburst that resulted from finding out that i had indeed lost my cards. Yes, plural, because i'm so good at this that this time i actually managed to lose my student ID also. Like losing one card isn't enough of a hassle. But really, i rant but i'm no longer upset. I mean, what can i do about it, right? They're not going to make their way back to me by crying and getting upset. I'm really just ranting. And doing the damage control.

Last night i called Citibank and asked for a new card. Good thing Citibank don't charge for replacement of lost or stolen card, but they're rather slow at sending the new one. It should be here by August 4th. That's one week without an atm card, no way to draw money out of my account (and being me, of course i didn't have cash on me when it happened), and no online access to my bank account. And, one week until i need to go online and change all the payment information on my accounts. Amazon. PayPal. eBay. ComCast. Fan-frickin'-tastic. Today i also went to the Cal card center and got a new student ID. $25. Frick. But at least things move on pretty quickly there. Within half an hour i had had my new card on me and with all its card key access fully restored. Oh, there's also the class pass, of course. On my old student ID was a class pass that we use to board the buses for free. I take the bus every day to school. It will be another 23 days until they issue a new pass for the Fall semester, but if i buy one to replace my lost one i will have to pay $40. Great job, Shobes.

Oh well. I'm over it.

On a side note, yesterday i was pulled over by a cop. How fun. My first time being pulled over happened before i even got my license. The officers were nice however, and they let us go with not even a fix-it ticket. They told us that our plate light was out and the registration sticker is faded, but when we checked afterwards, both our plate lights were on!!! How strange...

Chasm

I'm falling. Lost. Lonely. I'm crying but noone hears me. Or am i just crying in my head? I'm unhappy. Why do i have to be unhappy? Sometimes i think i like to be unhappy, because when i'm unhappy they finally pay attention. Or do they? It's funny how i'm surrounded by people but i feel so starved of any meaningful connection. Who listens to me anymore these days? Who has time? I'm lonely. So pretty fuckin' lonely. Tears. Sometimes people talk to me and i laugh with them. And then they go away and i'd be lonely again. Walking home from school. Feeling sad again. Noone understands that i'm lonely. Sometimes i wonder if it's better to be dead. i'm pretty sure dead people don't feel lonely. Life is just so complicated. i don't even understand myself. Death can't be that bad, can it? i'm still here mostly for other people, i think. My mom. She'd be devastated if i took my own life. I don't want her to be sad; she's already going through enough hard times as it is. I want her to be happy, and so i'm still here. Ben. He'd be torn to pieces. And i only want him to be happy. And so i'm still here. My friends. They'd cry, and they'd shake their heads in disbelief, and they'd be sad because they don't understand. And so i'm still here. I'm still here but noone is here with me. Noone speaks to my soul. They speak to my shell. They make me smile when they smile at me. It's mechanical, the smile. They don't see the broken mind inside. I swear in my head i was screaming for help when i smile back at them. "I'm lonely. Can't you see?". I'm tired. Noone understands. I'm just one person and sometimes i don't get noticed. Sometimes it doesn't matter what i think. Noone pays attention. Not enough. Never enough. I think i'm crazy. Who needs so much attention? Why am i so needy? I'm sure something is wrong with me. People get by without getting much attention. They don't get depressed and start to write about taking their own lives. But i do. I can't stand to be lonely. I feel sad also because this is hurting Ben. Sometimes i wonder if i'm trying to push him away. I think i'm being unreasonably demanding. That's the problem, i know i'm being unreasonably demanding. But i want it still. I want it still and i know i won't get it because i'm just being unreasonable, but i want it still and i'd be disappointed when i don't get it. Attention. And then i'd be upset. I think i am trying to push him away. Why else would i be doing this? I'm hurting us. But i still do it. And it makes me sad that i do it. Because i love Ben. I don't want him to be sad. But i don't get enough...

I'm rambling. I'm positively neurotic, i think... Should i seek help? Maybe i can pay someone to listen to me ramble...

The bigger person

Di tengah galau dan bimbang
Kala gelap malam mencekam
Saat pedih menjerat hati
Gelap mata kala amarah
Jika perih mencekik
Ketika hilang arah tujuan
Saat sepi membelit
Saat duka melanda
Ketika lelah menjegal

Kau ada

Kebeningan jiwa
Ketenangan hati
Seulas senyum yang tulus
Uluran tangan terbuka
Perlindungan dari bahaya
Penghiburan senantiasa
Belas kasih tak berujung
Kesabaran tanpa akhir
Arah dan tujuan
Kekuatan dalam pelukan
Semangat baru
Pengertian tak bersyarat
Kasih sayang tanpa batas
Memberi tanpa pamrih

My reason.
My strength.
My love.
My life.

Bad joke (or Sensitive me)

So yesterday Ben took the Corolla that is going to be mine down to El Cerrito... (that's right; a mid-week visit!!). He let me drive from school to my apartment, a story that's probably worth an entire entry by itself. It SO, HARD driving with Ben in the passenger seat!! He's a total backseat driver and he managed to make me flip out and raise my voice at him within minutes of my sliding onto the driver's seat. Just how efficient is that?

But anyways... So we made it home alright with little to no driving error on my part and i thought all is well. But this morning i listened to my voice mails and lo and behold, Pedro left me a message asking if i noticed that i nearly ran him over on Shattuck last night. WHAT?! I was so bummed! What kind of driver would not notice when he/she came close to running over a pedestrian? I felt my heart sank right at that very moment. I called Pedro back, but no answer. I texted him, asking if he was kidding. I texted Ben, asking if he noticed a pedestrian that i nearly killed last night. Nope. But Pedro never got back to me... I kept on thinking about this all day long, feeling sad and convinced that maybe the DMV examiner was right about failing me on my driving test. Maybe i need an entire year's worth of driving lesson before i can be certified to be loose on the streets.

BUT!!!! I finally got a hold of Pedro, and HE WAS ONLY KIDDING!!!! How mean! Apparently he figured the content of that voice mail was so impossible that there's no way it could be true and therefore i for sure will understand that it was a joke. NOT! Now he owes me an ice cream for making me feel bad for an entire day... BAD Pedro!!!

I'm a very, VERY happy girl!!!!

Ibex Hills, originally uploaded by shobster.

So i made it back from Death Valley (an exemplar of the awesome photos that i managed to take while there is presented above) with relatively little additional tan to my complexion, and with a lot of cool experience and tons of new herp species learned. How awesome is that?! But that's not why i'm a very, very happy girl...
Ben just told me that he had a conversation with his mom about me. Of course i gasped. Do i wanna hear what was said in this conversation? Yes, according to him. So Ben was telling his mom about the car that showed up at the shop that he's planning on fixing to GIVE to me. After a brief discussion about the financial aspect of it, apparently she proceeded to ask about whether or not we ever talked about getting married (the answer is yes, btw). Naturally, she wondered about where we're gonna live after getting married, how much longer until he has to leave the country, etc. And the discussion ended with her saying that i'm basically the best girl for him...

Wow. Coming from a future mother-in-law. Just how amazing is that? I've always doubted if the parents liked me, esp. since i'm about to take their son away from them, but apparently i have nothing to worry about... Yay!!

Oh, and another, more materialistic source of happiness: I got my DSLR. It's pretty fuckin' awesome. Now i'm having a very strong urge to just go crazy and invest in all different lenses...

A (mini) whirlwind of events

I couldn't focus on anything today. I tried to wrap my head around labwork, but all i managed to do is cast one gel and i never even loaded it to this very moment. I was barely listening through seminar. So many exciting things are on the horizon and i can barely wait!!!

First off, today i got an email from the university saying that my funds have been disbursed. That's "summer stipend" to them, but it's "DSLR Fund" to me!!! Within two days of the notice, the money will be in my bank account, and i can finally, FINALLY get my long-awaited-for Rebel XSi!!!!!!! So i ended up doing another round of window shopping on Amazon for accessories and lenses to strategize my purchase... Sadly though the XSi is back-ordered on Amazon (and on most of other camera store) so i may have to get the camera from NewEgg. The problem is NewEgg charges sales tax and shipping on top of the camera price, but at least their price is $50 cheaper than Amazon's and everywhere else, surprisingly. I'm gonna get the 50mm f/1.8 from Amazon still, and the wireless remote and the 16GB SDHC card... The cold feet has been almost completely replaced by sheer excitement now. I feel so bad, but not enough to stop me from going ahead and making this purchase.

Second, Crystal is going to visit from Vancouver on the 16th!!!! I can hardly believe this is finally happening. We've talked about the prospect of me visiting Van or vice versa, but nothing ever transpired. She and i go waaay back before Flickr (back to my badder-than-your-average-good-girl days), and to have her finally visiting is almost too good to be true!! She mentioned a surprise activity for the two of us... My imagination is running wild. Oh, the possibilities (but this is my PG-13 blog, so i'm gonna stop there hehe).

Third, in relation to Crystal visiting, there might be a Flickr get-together! And i will have had my DSLR then!! Oh so much fun!!!!

Fourth, the Death Valley trip. I looked at the website last night, and fueled also by all the stories from all the other lab members who had gone on this trip, i can barely contain my excitement. I only wished i had had my DSLR to bring with me, but hey the S3's done a more-than-satisfactory job capturing a lot of great moments in my life so i'm not completely disheartened by it. Plus, a good time is a good time, regardless of the camera i use to capture it.

I think that's mostly it... My weight's being extraordinarily stubborn since the last 5lbs. that i dropped the first month, and it's not budging anymore. That's a little bit discouraging, but i know exercising's making me feel good about myself so i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing. I was blazing fast at the pool today (did 21 laps in less than 30), and i'm feeling good.

That's all to report today... A lot going on in my head, nothing getting done in real life. Ha. :-)

I'm a very happy girl!!!

Ben just left after spending the weekend here... I'm still high from having him around. I don't know how to put this without sounding cheesy, but really when he's near everything's alright - even when he made me cry so hard. I've never felt so understood, never felt so unshakably loved. It's like nothing i say or do, nothing about my existence can scare him off. He's so lighthearted that when i go emotionally apeshit it doesn't do anything to him. He's so forgiving that even my darker side never left a mental scar on him. And he's so loving that he keeps me well grounded... Even after my emotional roller coaster rides (which, being me, happen way too often for the sake of a relationship) I always, always come back around sane, in love, and happy. And the sex just keeps getting more and more mind blowing as we get to understand each other's body better.

Today we jokingly started pairing his last name onto my name... Next year he's going to visit Indonesia... I'm not sure my dad would be too impressed with my choice of non-believer boyfriend so i can't really expect it to go all that well with the parents, but i do hope he finds the place habitable. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if this doesn't work out and he moves on with his life without me in it... Now that's a scary thought, i tell ya.

Camera envy

Wow, i went 8 days without adding another entry!! Goes to show just how dead my creativity has been. I'm still waiting for it to come back around, but no light at the end of the tunnel so far...

So yeah. Today i learned that the XSi has been released a few days ago. Needless to say i went green with envy towards all the people who helped made it the #11 best selling DSLR camera on amazon.com. Theoretically when i get my next paycheck and once the IB fellowship comes through, i can afford getting one for myself... But something inside me is telling me i should wait. This is not an impulsive thing since i've planned this and done my homework doing research since January, but still i can't justify robbing myself $900 - especially with my field trip waiting around the corner. And by the time i'm done buying all the lenses and flash i want for it, i'll be around $2,000 poorer. I feel that i should prioritize funding my field work over buying a DSLR, but then when will i ever have one?

Aarrgh. I guess we'll see how good my exercise of self control is once i have all my money back...

The starving student

Just how tragic is it that i have $12,000 in research money, but nearly zero to live on? I have no idea how i am going to make ends meet this time. All the extra money that i have is floating around. I have almost $700 that will not get reimbursed until after the evolution meetings in June. After my landlady cashes my rent check this week i will have less than two digits in my checking account, and i have less than three in my savings. I'm counting on my tax returns to pick up the slack, but i'm not getting anything in the mail yet. I got an email from the department saying that i'm going to get an extra $1,000, but that money's nowhere to be seen on the horizon either. I have just enough food for the next week or two, but beyond that i have no idea how i'm going to skate through. I'm worried sick, but i just try to not think about it too much. This is very troubling... I'm worried. I'm afraid.

I hate being a grad student... :-(

My suicidal thoughts and Ben's softer side

Not that Ben's the typical chest-beating, pheromone-oozing, alpha-male kind of guy, but he's rarely serious about anything that for me to catch a glimpse of his more sensitive, emotional side is so precious it is worth writing about on my blog.

Today i saw him cry. And what's more touching, he cried over me. I just finished going through another one of my crying fit (i got locked out of the apartment and had to spent 20 minutes banging on the door trying to get him to open it for me almost to no avail), and i casually commented on how all my life's problems would go away if my life would just come to an end. How blissful would that be? No more worrying about not getting enough attention, being locked out of the house, illnesses, school, the future. Really, i don't think death is that bad. Even if it is, i wouldn't be around to notice it. The conversation developed into me confessing that i have half the mind to take away my life because in my opinion it is a very respectable way to die: To exit the world when one so chooses and not because an external force did you in. It's like the difference between quitting and getting fired. Now, i'm not saying that i'm just going to commit suicide any day now, but when i'm 60 or 70 and i've lived a full life, i can't guarantee that i will just lie in my deathbed and wait until my last breath arrives. I will most likely take the initiative and bow my last goodbye, and take matters into my own hand. Euthanasia? That's one possibility. Or maybe i'll just overdose myself on sleeping pills. That sounds like a good way to go. Ben thinks suicidal people are selfish and inconsiderate, but if i prepared my loved ones and keep them well informed of my plans so that they know what to expect, then wouldn't it be selfish of them to not let me do what i wish just to keep them happy?

And this was when he started hiding his face under my pillow... "I don't wanna talk about it. We should wait until we get old," was all he said. Half teasingly i questioned the prospect of him being there by my side when we're old enough to discuss our demise plans, and he didn't answer. I knew he was crying because his breathing choked a little, and after two or three minutes of it he finally pulled his face away and wiped his eyes. There were wet spots on my pillow where his eyes were.

I'm so sorry, babe... I wasn't just being insensitive and oblivious. Although the things i said were by no means definite, i meant them as i said them. I wasn't trying to hurt you or scare you; i was just sharing my thoughts. And i really do hope you will be there by my side when we're old enough to talk about this, many many more years to come...

On a side note... Obviously i'm not thinking about breaking up anymore. I didn't know this (although Ben did, just how amazing is that?), but apparently i was just freaking out and getting stressed out after not seeing him for so long. He came over, and all my bad thoughts just disappeared and the gloom lifted. Asked if he was worried when i told him that i thought of breaking up, his answer was "just a little bit... but i knew that once i'm there with you, you will be fine again." He understood me, even when i didn't understand myself. And there's a feeling that can never be replaced: knowing that you're understood, and accepted, almost unconditionally. I don't know what i was thinking...

Bad thoughts

I don't know why but this past few days my mind's been toying with the possibility of... breaking up.

Yes, i have been extra needy lately. I almost constantly feel neglected and that i'm not getting enough attention. This past two weeks have seen me go through some tough and stressful times, and my long distance boyfriend was never there for me to comfort me. He can't, because he's long distance, and i don't blame him for that, but for the first time the distance actually felt like a gap and that something is missing. He is missing from my life. He's far away, and i fel t alone many many times last week. Granted we talk on Skype every night, but see my previous entry. He gets too distracted, and again i feel neglected. This past two weeks, i'm just not feeling this relationship. And every time i think about it, about us, it makes me want to cry. I'm not happy anymore.

What would life be like without this relationship? Would i be happier because then the source of my unhappiness will disappear? Because then i wouldn't have to worry about not getting enough attention... What was i thinking going into a long distance long term relationship? Why am i so needy lately? Maybe i just miss him so much that i can't stomach it, and then my mind started making up all these excuses to break free?

And then Ben... He loves me, that much i know. It must saddens him to know that i'm not happy being in this relationship. And i'm not saying that i don't love him, because i do. I love him still, i'm in love with him still. But the strain is killing me, the distance and all its consequences. I love him, but i'm not getting enough of him. I need more, more, more and more attention and even though he tried to convince me that he loves me, i'm just not feeling it.

I'm sorry, babe... I woke up this morning after my crying fit last night and i felt bad about having said what i said because i know it must have made you sad. I know we have our plans, and hopes, and dreams, and me saying i'm tempted to throw in the towel out of the blue probably felt like a betrayal against the future that we've been picturing together... But i can't change how i feel. I feel lonely, i'm not happy. I'm hoping that this is all just temporary and i will soon come back around to be the happy, loving, self-contained person that i used to be, but the light's not visible yet at the end of the tunnel...

I love you, Babe. Please hang around if you can...

I already said from the very beginning that my life is outrageously

Postcard-worthy, originally uploaded by shobster.

so i hope it is no longer a surprise that my musings more often than not center around: (1) romance a.k.a. Ben, (2) friendships, (3) my battle against my weight, and (4) work. Today it's about Ben again...

Ben didn't spend the weekend with me, for a change. We spent so much time together during the road trip that we agreed that we both could use some alone time away from one another (it's kinda funny since we're technically already semi-LTR anyways, seeing as how every week we spend 5 days apart. But anyways). So stayed he did in Napa, and i down here in good ol' El Cerrito. It was going to be perfect, because absence only makes the heart grow fonder, right? Well... maybe if you're normal, yeah it would make the heart grow fonder. But in my case (keep in mind i have the emotional intensity 10x that of the normal human's range), absence only leads to exasperation. Maybe the problem is just me being too sensitive (but i argue that it's justifiable), but it definitely is also because he's too insensitive.

So Ben has the habit of trying to multitask even though he's not too good at it. I applaud him for trying, really, but sometimes you just have to drop one thing so you can do the other right. He more often than not will be screwing around on his computer doing other stuff while talking to me on Skype... which would have been completely fine by me - hey i'm all for efficiency - except that he actually is NOT good at dividing his attention like that. What actually transpires is that he will stop listening to me without even realizing it and i will have to tell him things twice. And really repeating yourself every other sentence can only be fun a certain number of times, and after that it just gets really frustrating. Feeling ignored is not the best thing in the world, especially by your loved ones.

During our weekday Skype chat i'm usually pretty good at keeping my frustration in check... I've come to terms with the fact that we live pretty much separate lives during the week, and so his two-timing my Skype time kinda goes along that same spirit. But when he did that last Saturday night it really bugged the hell out of me. He was extraordinarily spacey, distracted, and non-talkative. I told him all sorts of things, and Sunday morning he asked me again as though we never talked about them. This probably wouldn't bother a normal human being, but see above. Come on, Ben. You get to have the rest of the weekend not having to think about me. Is it too much for me to ask 30 minutes of your attention during our Skype session? It's the only time that i get to interact with you.

So that frustration x 10 was enough to make for a bad weekend. What's even worse, and i don't know why i thought this, somehow i thought of breaking up... It suddenly felt so difficult being in a relationship (hey i could be carefree without it). Maybe i don't want to try that hard to make this work. If he doesn't want to pay attention maybe it's a sign that this thing is going downhill, that it's almost time that things come to an end... And this thought launched me to even more crying fits. I was a ball of gloom and sadness.

Long story short (kinda too late for that at this point, but trust me it could have been worse), i sent him a protest email and he finally paid me full attention... Why do i always have to go through a hissy fit just to get my point across? He promised he'll try and change. But now i'm still stuck in this stupid gloomy mood. :-(

A guilty pleasure

is something that you love but are too ashamed to admit it. I guess that makes me one. I can understand, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less, doesn't make it any easier to bear. I will always be looking forward to the day i'm not denied anymore...

Post roadtrip

Illuminate, originally uploaded by shobster.

I'm happy, and not just because we had a great time while we were at it. To me the trip was a life-changing moment, even though i didn't realize it until after.

On our way to Bakersfield Ben brought up the subject of moving out to Indonesia again, and he managed to maintain a serious conversation for a good part of the drive. I was so impressed. But that's not the point, heheh. I was so happy because for the longest time this subject has not resurfaced, and i was starting to give up hope about us ever being together in the distant future. He seemed to enjoy so much his american life and all its conveniences that i really don't see him giving up all that, ever. It was starting to look like a lost cause.

But talk we did, and so happened one of my fondest memories of the trip. Us, planning a future. We discussed possible jobs that might be available for him out there. We discussed him visiting next year to get a feel of the country. We discussed us.

I would have been happy enough with just that, but it didn't end there. He sent me an email right after he got home:

"i love you so much; i could totally see myself going the distance with you..."
"i can't wait to see your homeland!!!"

And apparently he really meant it. Last night we talked again about possible game plans. How long do i have in the states? How long does he have in school? Should he change major so that it would be easier for him to find a job in Indonesia? Should we move back to the States after a number of years? We were planning our future together!!!!!

I was so happy i wanted to cry... I know it's a long shot until then, and there will be plenty of obstacles along the way, and yes i know that people change and shit happens, but for now things are looking really good. And my perspective on this relationship has changed completely. It's not a lost cause anymore. It's worth going through not just for the fun of it while it lasts, but for the promise that it holds for both of us. Ben used to be a distraction, now he's a motivation. I wanna do my best and work for our future together. I want to make it happen.

The road trip was a maker and not a breaker. I'm so glad. I love you, sweetie pie!!!!!!

One day until the road trip...

Fruity Goodness, originally uploaded by shobster.

To my surprise, i managed to fend off Matt's suggestion to not go swimming today!!!! Wow, never thought i have the power to say no to Matt!! :-)

But i'm glad i decided to stay and go swimming. I weighed myself again today... I wasn't going to, considering i only swam once last week and what with all the festivities of this past weekend, and seeing as how it's that time of the month (i'm feeling SO bloated and unpretty). I was so sure that i had probably put on more lbs. than i've managed to shed after the 3-ish weeks of exercising again. I was already sort of back at 163 lbs. the last time i went swimming and weighed myself. So yeah, finding out that i've effectively pigged myself out back to square one would be a complete let down. I wasn't sure if i could handle it. But of course me and my weak will couldn't resist the calling of the scale when i walked past it in the changing room. So weigh i did.

But hey, guess what! I'm actually 4 lbs. lighter than when i first weighed myself, February 28th - almost four weeks ago. I'm still in line with the 1 lbs. a week goal, despite the weekend! I'm pretty psyched about it (well, here you are reading all the unnecessary detail about it... that's just about how excited i am).

Next challenge would be to maintain portion control over the course of the road trip... Ben has made it clear that part of the trip is about experiencing the culinary culture of Southern California (if there's such thing, i added), so we'll be doing lots of fine dining. Oh boy. I can tell that i'm in trouble already... And i don't think we'd want to carry leftover food around, so i really have to be strong-willed in stopping myself from eating more than i should.

Fingers crossed. Go shobi.

____________________________________
PS. Are you still clicking on the ads? Click click click, pretty please?!?!?!?!?! I'll love you a really long time the day they cut me my first check!!!! Besides, i think most of my ads are quite amusing... (or maybe i'm just biased).

Birthday - BFD

Poppy field by the hill, originally uploaded by shobster.

Happy 27th birthday to me, yay. Do i feel special? Not the least bit.

Don't get me wrong, i enjoyed taking time off of work (well it was a Saturday) and spending some quality time with my best buddies. I'm more than thankful for the few friends that i have, whom i love to death. I'm thankful for Ben. I do reflect on my life once in a while, and i did a little bit of that on my birthday to see how much i've accomplished in the time it takes the earth to complete its full orbit around the sun 27 times since the day i was born (which is not that much, sadly). I'm glad for yet one fewer year that i have to live through. And i think that last bit is what takes away all the fun from a birthday, in my opinion - at least as an adult.

Time's ticking. Noone lives forever. I'm getting old, and every day i'm just buying time. And i feel as though i'm not working hard enough to make that costly purchase worth it. I should be somewhere in life by now, damn it!! 27 seems like a few steps past the peak of the hill... Not too far downhill, but not exactly at the peak either. Oh no, i don't feel old, i just feel... behind. It seems as though the people around me and my friends from college or high school have all settled, either with a family and/or a career, while i'm still stuck here trying to define my goals in life and and nowhere near getting there. Sometimes i feel like telling myself, "Get on it, Woman!!!" but that still doesn't get me anywhere...

So, yeah... Birthday? BFD. I thank you and all of my friends and family deeply and whole-heartedly for all the birthday wishes and attention and affection they showered me with; they're the true reason today (well, yesterday the 22nd anyway) worth celebrating. But as far as myself is concerned, i'm not really that thrilled.

Do i sound like an old, bitter and weary soul? :-)

W00t! Maybe life isn't that bad afterall!!

Such soft folds and pretty curves..., originally uploaded by shobster.

Had a long but productive day today. I'm really pleased! Jim and i finally finished and submitted our National Geographic application, and i think he's just as excited about it as i am. And then Matt and i signed up for the Evolution meetings, and we're going to share a room together! How fun is that, being roommates - albeit only temporarily - with your buddy buddy?! That's Six Days with Matt!!! And then my 1042-S form finally arrived (those slackers!!), and tonight i completed my tax return forms. I'll be getting ~550 back from federal and ~87 from state! I can buy a DSLR!!! We'll have to see about that though, since i also parted with $280 today to pay for the Evolution registration, and i still have the road trip coming up, and also paying for the ticket to get to Minnesota. Granted the costs for the meetings will be reimbursed later, but that's not gonna happen until another month or two, at least... But i'm happy nonetheless!! And then i get to talk to my Tea Sibling in Boston for a little while, and now the number of readers of this blog has increased by one (hey, that's a 14% improvement!). And tomorrow night my sweetheart's coming over (it's been a really long time since i get to spend Friday nights with him), and on Saturday i'm going hiking to Briones with a bunch of my best buddies!!! And soon thereafter, spring break is here and the road trip is ON!!!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait...

Oh, Life... (woe is me!!!)

IMG_3248, originally uploaded by shobster.

What do you do when everything in life feels so underwhelming? Yes, you heard it right: "underwhelming". Failing to interest or astonish. I feel that the last few days i've found no sparks in most everything that i do... School, well that's an old story. I've been kinda just going with the flow the past few months, not really too motivated to swim to the end of the river. I swear learning new things and all things biology used to make me tick, but lately i've had to really search to find that spark to keep me going. I usually blame the situation on my short attention span and how i'm almost always more interested in my distractions - i guess that makes me a procrastinator - like photography and the blog, but this past two days i wasn't even motivated to do any.

Hmm... At least my friends still keep me interested. And Ben, too. If it weren't for them i'd prolly be in trouble by now. I have a knack for getting into "bad" things when i'm bored and left to my own devices. That's how i got to 29, partly...

But hopefully things are starting to look up. Today was much better than yesterday, so maybe tomorrow will be even better. I'm very close to finishing the National Geographic application, and maybe tomorrow i'll be able to finish the Explorers Club application. And sign up for the Evolution meeting. And hopefully my cycle sequencing reactions worked - i stayed until 10 PM tonight just so i could get it to start running. Keeping my fingers crossed. Tomorrow's another day...

Fuzzy matters

Day 118 - Another day gone by, still feeling fuzzy, originally uploaded by shobster.

Some days I would think back and ponder on where i am in life and can't help but to worry about what lies ahead... These are very, very humbling moments.

School. I realize now that school is probably one of the least of my concerns. I mean, at least in school my goals are obvious. Write this proposal. Get money for research. Do research. Get my degree. See? It's all laid out for me. It's only a question of *how* to get there, but "there" is well defined well in advance.

I sometimes tell people half jokingly that the reason i decided to go to grad school was to avoid Real Life a little bit longer. It's somewhat true, sadly. I wasn't ready to face the world. I wasn't ready to set my own goals and go ahead pursue them. Life seemed like a big fuzzy matter to me that i didn't know how to navigate, and school seemed like the only path well enlightened at the time. And as far as life paths are concerned, advanced education isn't that bad so i decided to go that way. It's a rough path, but at least it's clear. But what's after grad school? There's no more putting it off... I have to make a decision about what i want to do with my life.

And these past few days i've been thinking a lot about the not-so-distant future and the choices that i'll have to make. Inevitably, this has something to do with Ben being in my life. In short, i can't help but feel that choosing between Ben or my slated career in academia back home is a mutually exclusive decision. It's either life in the states with the boy who's brought me so much joy this past six months, forgoing all the expectations that so many people back home have put upon me that i would go back and help build the country, or going back to Indonesia to live life as i have once dreamed it to be, but without Ben. There's no having the cake and eat it, too.

If this was only a question of which would make me happier, the answer is probably obvious: I'd stay here with Ben, live a convenient American life, and make a modest living teaching in a small school. Or something. But - go ahead and call me crazy - somehow i've always believed that i'm destined to do something big. Not that i believe in destiny, or that i vision myself to be a future Nobel laureate or be the person to discover the cure to all the world's problems, but i hear a calling in me sometimes to do things that are far bigger than myself and what i think i could do. Saving the environment is it, or one of them. And that calling, while not very strong and at most times can be easily drowned out by many other things, is not easy to ignore. It's like... a calling for martyrdom. To negate what i want for myself, give up what's comfortable and convenient, and go the distance and embark on a journey to the unknown (to me the prospect of saving wildlife in Indonesia is pretty bleak and i know it will be a rough journey... And i find it very belittling sometimes to think of the scope of the work involved in the task, but that's a whole story for another entry in my blog).

Oh, the agony. One option is easily more convenient than the other, but it's not just a question of what's easy... Pedro will probably call me crazy and tell me that i only need to worry about myself, but i know it's not that easy to do.

I'm going to end here on this hanging note... In case you're wondering, no i don't need to make the decision until graduation time is nigh upon me, which is like 2 years from now. Heheh, yeah i overthink things sometimes. Or i plan way too far ahead. But that's just me; i can't help it. For now, i think all i can do is to live life to the fullest - work hard, play hard, love hard - until the time comes to give up one thing for the other...

Progress

Day 115 - Saturday at the gym, originally uploaded by shobster.

If you're still checking my blog on a regular basis and reading the entries (and clicking on the ad!!! Click on the ad!!!), wow i admire you so much for bearing with my less than $0.02 worth of thoughts. But i'm going to have to apologize because in my head it's looking as though this thing is about to turn into a documentation of my journey trying to lose weight. But what can i say, that's just my big thing right now - aside from school that is, but i won't bore you even more with my PCR reactions and grant proposals, so... The lesser evil.

So, yeah. This photo is old (i.e. it was taken 3 days ago), but it's sorta related to my theme today on my progress in working out and losing weight so i'm gonna go ahead and use it anyway. If you remember the first time Matt and i set a goal for our weight loss, i was 165.3 lbs and i wanted to lose 1 lb. a week. Fast forward a week later (that's 4 swim sessions and a week of eating healthy), i weighed 166 lbs. Great job for not losing weight!!! Of course the optimistic side of me was going "Oh whatever, i know i'm feeling so much better about myself already so i won't get too hung up on the numbers," but in all honesty deep down i was thinking, "WTF?!?! What did i do wrong? It worked so well the last time, the swimming+portion control combo!!!"

But this goes to show just how body weight is governed by so many different, often inexplicable things (e.g. water retention, what i ate, did i cr*p, are the stars aligning, etc.): Two days later - Saturday last week, that is - i weighed myself again and i was 162.3 lbs. Dude, did i really lose 3.7 lbs in two days? Is that even humanly possible? But yeah, fast forward again to today, and i still weighed sorta the same (i was 162.2 lbs) so i guess i really did lose that much. Hellz yeah!!!!

Oh, and my time at the pool was also getting so much better. I was sooo close to cracking 29 minutes today, if it wasn't for the pool being uber crowded (there were like 5 people in my lane when i started and about 3 when i left). That's a 39 seconds improvement since Saturday! I'm super excited. I wonder if i'd be able to squeeze in an entire lap altogether within 30 minutes' time by the end of this week...

Oh, if you're wondering what's transpired between Ben and me since my last post... Of course we kissed and made up. :-) The only major fight that we've had since we started dating, i couldn't stay mad at him for too long... It was the same thing this time. To be honest i know that this last fight was not just because of him not thinking before he speaks, but also because i was being overly sensitive towards his words. In retrospect i know it could have been avoided if only i had kept my cool. So, no i'm not mad at him anymore. He can call me slow any day now, won't hurt me. I'm over it. He's over it. Things are once again peachy keen between us. We went autocrossing again last Sunday and it was tons of fun. I LOVE MY BOY!!!!!

On a side note... The math of weight loss:

Today i found out that it takes about 3500 calories to burn a pound of body fat, so if i wanted to lose 1 lbs. in a week i need to cut my calorie intake by about (3500/7 = 500) calories off of my daily calorie needs. Well, what's my daily calorie needs? I did some snooping on Google (it took like two clicks, so it's not detective work really) and according to some BMR calculator, my BMR is 1538.3. If i keep up to this moderately active lifestyle of 3 - 5 days of exercise a week, then according to some dude named Harris Benedict (hey if you get your name immortalized in a frequently cited equation then you can't be that wrong, right?) my daily calorie need is (BMR * 1.55 = 2384.6) calories. That's how many calories i need to maintain my weight. Right now i think i'm putting myself on ~1400 calorie diet give or take (i'm not really counting, plus i cheat on mini snacks), so i'm slashing my intake by ~984.6 calories, which means in a week i'll be cutting (984.6 * 7 = 6892.2) calories, which equates to about 1.97 lbs of body fat burned per week. Now, i know that these numbers are nowhere near Exact, and every one will differ in how their body response to a weight loss regime so i'm not hanging by these numbers, but still i think it's a good reference point to compare to...

Anyways. On with the march towards weight loss!!!!

A pat on the back would have sufficed...

I was only 13 seconds away from breaking 30 minutes' time at the pool today. I'm 4 minutes faster now than when i started going back to swimming, only one week ago (If you're confused, i'm talking about the time it takes me to finish doing 20 laps). I wasn't getting better gradually; i was cutting my time by minutes. My body's remembered. I'd call that progressing by leaps and bounds... And i was proud of myself.

I wish i could stop at that: Just me being proud of myself. It should be all that matter, right? Myself? I mean, isn't that the main reason why i'm doing this? To make me feel good about myself again? So in an ideal world, i should just be happy when i start feeling better. But being me of course, i couldn't stop at that. I had to tell other people. They have to understand that i'm making a good progress. They have to acknowledge that. I wanted a pat on the back... But apparently i went to the wrong person to get it from.

Ben called me slow. I had just finished explaining how i'm trying to break 30 minutes, and he called me slow. So much for a pat on the back. I KNOW I'M SLOW. I'm not saying i'm becoming really good after only 4 days at the pool. I'm not trying to break the olympic records. I'm slow, and i know it. But truth of the matter is, even though i'm slow i'm working very hard to get better... I set myself a goal and i'm actually doing something to accomplish it. I went from not swimming at all to going three times already in a week, back to back, even on days when i didn't feel like going. I made time for swimming, even though it means i have to stay at school until 9:30 or 10 PM to make up for the time i spent at the pool. I try and watch what i eat. I put in a lot of effort. I keep track of my progress. I'M TRYING MY BEST TO BE BETTER. All that has got to be worth something, right? I deserve a pat on the back!!!!! But no, i'm just slow.

I exploded. I raised my voice. I was on the verge of being hysterical. I was so disappointed. How could he? Did he not realize how hard i'm trying? Is all my effort only laughing matter to him? I'm dead serious about this effort (fuck, i wouldn't be trying so hard if i wasn't), and to him it was something he could make fun of. Ouch. I guess in all honesty i know that he didn't mean it like that, but still. If you poked someone accidentally in the eye and they ended up losing an eyeball, it still would hurt even though you didn't mean it. I know he didn't mean it like that, but it still hurts me that he said that... And all i wanted was some encouragement. Silly me.

And now comes the time when i blame myself for the things that come to pass... I wish i wasn't so weak. I wish i was stronger so that i won't need other's acknowledgment to keep me happy. I wish i was self-supporting, self contained. I wish i had learned to be content with just me being proud of myself. To hell with what others think, right? I wish it was that easy. As for Ben... I don't hate him even though in that heated moment i said i did. It's just that him being the person closest to me, i tend to expect more from him and consequently i get hurt more easily when those expectations are not met...

I hate myself. And to think i was so proud only a few hours ago... *shakes head*

It's all a matter of perspective

Day 112 - On a roll, originally uploaded by shobster.

W00t, i really was on a roll today. I was a busy body during the day, going back and forth between the lab and my office a bunch of times. I got plenty of things done, even though pretty much nothing worked. Yeah, bummer but at least i tried. Tomorrow's another day.

And then i went swimming again - twice this week already, and two days in a row!! I'm so proud of myself. What made me even happier is that i did really good at the pool. I cut my previous time by a full 2 minutes, and i wasn't even the slightest bit winded. I was ON A ROLL. I think my body finally remembered how it's supposed to be done. :-) The weight was the same as yesterday, but big deal - i was feeling so much better about myself already.

Speaking of weight... today i realized that if i wanted to get back to my old weight in college i need to lose a whopping 40 lbs. I used to weigh 125 lbs!!! Now how the hell did that happen?! Not the 125 lbs., but putting on 40 lbs. in less than 5 years... Man it really sneaked up on me. And to give you an idea of how f***-ed up my body image was, i had always thought i was Fat. And ugly, but maybe that's mostly because i thought i was fat. And now 40 lbs. later, I can honestly say that i think i'm pretty, despite the little bit of extra weight. I've sure come a long way in loving myself... :-)

Alright, over and out. Time to go to bed.

This whole Web-Two-Point-Oh thing

Day 111 - Flash Tuesday, originally uploaded by shobster.


Today while my mind drifted off during class (i should make a more conscious effort to sit at the front row so i pay more attention) i started browsing the news and stumbled upon an article on the trial of Kevin Underwood. This being the Age of Information where very few things can remain a mystery for more than however long it takes people to google things up, soon i found myself sucked into a virtually endless chasm of past news stories, following the trail(s) of information surrounding the case. Apparently Underwood murdered a 10-yr old girl who lived in an adjacent apartment unit in 2006, and later admitted to fantasizing about (and/or planning on) cannibalizing the corpse. That's obviously a disturbing case, but what really sucked me into the whole story was the fact that Underwood had been maintaining a blog since 2002, and to my surprise Blogger hadn't taken it down.

Just how creepy/trippy/disturbing is it to realize that as you browse through pages and pages of past archive, you are actually going through the mind of a murderer? That you are pretty much listening to his thoughts, written down into words instead of being spoken aloud to you? I found it all very intriguing... To think that instead of just knowing him as a part of a news story from halfway across the continent, i'm actually putting together a person to go with the name. And then to imagine that person sitting in his lonely apartment typing this whole thing up while ideas were brewing in his head and emotions were flowing from his heart... My head was spinning with excitement and sensory overload. This is a guy that would later bludgeon a child to death, slit her throat, and then go and chat with an online buddy as the corpse was left hanging to let the blood drains out. A murderer.

One particular thing about my discovery today really hit me in the face: This whole Web 2.0 thing... It's crazy if you think about it. It's SO EASY to broadcast yourself in any manner possible these days. Take a few photos, post them up on Flickr. Sign up for MySpace, put up photos and videos, go crazy. Think outloud and cast your thoughts out at CyberSpace. Write them up in a blog. Confess. Reveal. Ramble. Threaten. Whine. Rant. Rave. Do anything. It's the Web 2.0, Baby. You are your own publisher and marketer.

Apparently as i later learned through my information spelunking session, Kevin Underwood is only one of a few other murderers who had been maintaining an online persona(s) in various forms. Eric Harris of Columbine shooting had one. Jeff Weise had one. Jet Duncan had one. (Yep, i stormed through all of those tonight). Of course i'm not implying that online self broadcasting is the realm of psycopaths and the mentally disturbed. I mean, hey i'm on Flickr. You're reading this blog that i wrote. I have a FaceBook account. I broadcast myself and my existence through these channels. What i'm saying is, the existence of the Internet with its whole Web 2.0 resources truly enable people to dish out and dig in now more than ever in history, i think. Of course people have been taking photos and writing journals since who knows when, and serial killers and the Unabomber have been known to keep meticulous records of their thoughts, but never are we so connected and at the same time accessible to everyone else as we are right now through the Internet. S-C-A-R-Y, if you ask me. It's a bit unnerving (and also a good mind exercise) to think what people will rediscover about me 10 years down the line from now, the things that they can learn about me through my own words and photos...

Oh well. Sorry for the long read. On a brighter note, i went swimming again today and i weighed 164.4 lbs. Going down. Oh yeah i know that the first few weeks are easier (thanks, water loss!!), but i'm thrilled about it still.

One pound a week

Nature vs. Nurture and how i suck at composition, originally uploaded by shobster.

Today I went swimming and weighed myself at the RSF. I weighed 165.3 lbs. That's about 12 lbs. heavier than i was today one year ago. On the bright side, i have lost ~1.5 pounds since last month (which was the last time i went swimming, sadly). I'm still on the fence regarding whether or not having the IUD inserted caused my weight gain the past two months. Is it the IUD, or is it just me lacking self control and will power? Am i a lost cause now trying to get back to my old weight (like so many other women who complained of inexplicable and inevitable weight gain since they got on Mirena)? Am i helpless? Or have i just been slacking off in taking care of myself?

It's so tempting to just blame the IUD; it's the easy explanation. But so many tiny little voices in my head are telling me not to. For one, the scientist in me refuses to point out ONE thing as the cause of another. Causation is virtually impossible to prove, especially in the case of weight gain where so many other factors come into play. For another, I fear that if i accept that explanation then i will be acquiescing that i am indeed helpless in fighting the weight gain and will stop trying altogether. I'm a natural quitter, remember?

But anyways. Today Matt Fujita and i resolved that we will both try and lose some weight... I set my goal at 1 lb. a week, which i know is doable because i was exactly on that trajectory one year ago when i was swimming 3 times a week and put myself on 1200 Calorie diet. Matt is being a little hardcore and will try to lose 1.5 lbs. a week. Today February 28th, 2008 i weighed 165.3 lbs. Hopefully next week i will be ~164 lbs. Wish me luck!!!!

In a completely unrelated event...

Day 105 - The face of Grace, originally uploaded by shobster.

This post has nothing to do with the pic... other than they both portray my means to happiness.

Just kidding. Click on the pic to see my story with Alcohol. I don't like it.

But speaking of happiness... I was just pondering today about Ben (yeah like when am i ever not thinking about him?) and how he sometimes does things for no reasons other than because he knew they would make me happy. Like spending Sunday night at my place, even though it means he has to get up at 6:30 the morning after and drive ~50 min. to get to work. How's that for sacrifice? :-)

Hmmm and yet another completely unrelated event (this one from yesterday):

I talked to Josh on Jabber yesterday. He was... an FWB to whom i grew very very attached, until things turned awry and we just drifted off in different directions. We've been back on talking terms since then, but now every time we catch up i'm always left thinking "What on earth was i thinking back then, clinging on to a guy who's now Obviously not relationship material?" Silly me. I'm glad things ended between him and me now. His lifestyle makes me cringe. And he's a year older than me, too, which theoretically means he should be the more mature between the two of us.

Oh well. I'm only glad i have the most awesomest boyfriend in the world, who's only *reasonably* immature. :-p

AAARrgh

Day 99 - ???, originally uploaded by shobster.

Why am i so pissy today?

First an ex lover got on my nerves because i tried to be just friends with him and he just wouldn't stop veering in "that" direction. I don't wanna go there! It was over between us months ago. Why did he have to keep bringing it up? Give it a fucking break !!! And then he accused me for not having an interest in him. EXCUSE ME? An interest? An interest for what? I'm showing plenty of healthy interest as far as trying to be friends is concerned. I say hi pretty much every day i see him online. I ask him how things are going. I ask him the details. And you know what? I don't think he ever asked me back about the goings-on in my life. Does he know what my research is about? Does he know i'm waiting to hear from the National Science Foundation about my grant application (i know, isn't that exciting)? Did he ever ask about how my family's doing? No, no, no, and no. So who's not showing interest? Or rather, who's not showing interest beyond trying to lure me back into the romantics? Right buddy, that's you.

And then while i was still huffing and puffing over this, poor Matt walked into my office and started giving me shit about what i'm going to bring to Jim's barbecue tomorrow. Perfect timing. I could definitely use some more of people giving me shit over stupid little things. Of course Matt was only joking, but my reply to his friendly accusation was curt enough to send him off a little hurt. I ended up having to send an explanatory email and apologizing for what i did... Sorry Matt, it was just bad timing.

And then Ben... Ugh. No, he's not being a bad boyfriend. Somehow i was really in the mood to be bossy and pissy. I just wanted him to suck up to me, somehow... You know, sweet talk me and such. But of course he's not good at that, which pissed me even more. I hung up on him (accidentally). And then he called back and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN OUR RELATIONSHIP I INDULGED MY ANGER AND REJECTED HIS CALL, just 'cause. Just 'cause i can. These whole five months i've been really good at keeping my calm about me, keeping my eyes on the bigger picture and not getting pissed off by the small unimportant things... Not tonight. I sent him off. And now i feel bad about it. But not bad enough that i'm going to call him back and say i'm sorry... Not yet. I'm still in the mood to get pissed.

(Sorry, Babe... I know i'm not supposed to let it out on you, but i couldn't help it).

Fuck you, ex lover. You ruined my evening. Congratulations.

On Compatibility

A few nights ago I had the pleasure of chatting with an old online friend that i haven't talked to for quite a while. We bantered through many different subjects, until eventually the topic of my love life came up. I told him i'm still seeing the same guy that i was dating three months ago when i last talked to him. I also told him that my boyfriend is a mechanic.

"Wow," he answered.
"What?"
"Is he intellectually compatible with you?"

He knows i've smarty-pants tendencies. He himself is a computer geek.

"Hmm..." I hesitated for a moment. "Honestly no, but really now i don't think it matters."

(Baby, if you're reading this please don't freak out).

For the longest time in my dating history, i have always dated a smarty-pants. I used to - and still do, actually - think that smart is hot. Nerdy guys, guys who read cool books, guys who go to grad school, cute guys with thick-rimmed glasses, guys with a pen tucked in their pocket. Yeah, i equate nerdy to cute and smart to h-o-t. But now what? I'm five months into a relationship with a guy who isn't at all academically inclined. Do i feel wanting for? Never for a moment. Am i happy? You bet.

I am in the happiest relationship of my life, and the object of my affection can't care less about how many more semesters he has until he can transfer out of community college. So yeah, for a person who's spent more than 21 years in school i'm definitely not dating someone with a like mind. What gives?

Well, for one i now realize that you don't have to be equals in order to be compatible. While i know i can't date a guy with the intelligence of a fruit fly, i also know now that i can still enjoy having a conversation with someone who's not as enamored with the sciences as myself. Ben and i talk a lot. We're really proud of the fact that we have a real communication between us. Our banters cover many different things, many of which he's more knowledgeable about than i am... Which brings me to my other point: My being in grad school doesn't make me the smarter half. What do i know about fixing cars and the details of engines? Next to nothing. And yet he's patient enough to explain to me all the little things every time the subject arises. I'm the academically inclined, he's the mechanically inclined.

Another thing that i realize now is that as far as predicting how well the relationship will go, setting up a baseline criteria for level of education is just as effective as saying "i want a guy who makes X amount of money" or "i want a guy who's taller than 6 ft." Can you know for sure that you'd be happier if you dated someone who's just the "ideal" height? Exactly. So Ben's a mechanic who's still going to school to be he doesn't know quite what, but the reality is it doesn't mean anything as far as his ability to love goes. In the past i've dated fellow grad students, a space scientist, an economics genius, an engineer, and so on and so forth. None of them came close to satisfying me mentally, emotionally, and physically as Ben can. BFD.

So, yeah... What's that again? Intellectual compatibility? Meh. It's overrated. At the end of the day, it all comes down to how well your personalities and characters mesh in with one another. It may be a predictor, but it's not all that matters. Ben and I are so different in many aspects, but i don't mind because i do feel that we perfectly complement one another...

Day 96 - I wish the world would go away

Day 96 - I wish the world would go away, originally uploaded by shobster.

Ugh... I stayed up too late last night. At around 10:30 I told Ben i was going to head to bed because i was bored... I ended up digging around my old photo archive and posting up a few that i deemed worth some heavy editing. And then i chatted a little bit with people that i haven't talked to in a while. By the time i was really tucked in under my blanket, it was 1:30 in the morning. WAY too late. To make matters worse, it was cold and i couldn't sleep well...

Needless to say, this morning when my alarm rang at 6:45 i silenced it, rolled over onto the other side and fell back asleep (i'm so used to doing this that i can do it with my eyes closed now). It was probably the best hour of my entire sleep hours last night, because it was significantly warmer now that the sun's up.

So i finally made it up and out of bed, but dragging myself to the shower was a completely different matter. Hmmmm... I guess i can safely say that i'm back on my photo-taking groove now, since my first impulse to the situation was: Quick! Take a photo in the shower!!!!

And there you go, my 365 photo for the day. In addition to getting out of bed late, i took my sweet time packing my sandwich for lunch (i decided that it's time to go back to the healthy, hearty, economical lifestyle). It was almost 11 AM by the time i got to school. Oh well.